The last game of the year. It is only fitting that it is a kick ass game... for some. Sam tears down the table and crushes everyone in his path. His stack becomes so big he has to have four Sherpas assist him just to rake his pots. As the night wore on he and Zucky both had HUGE stacks - Zucky goes all in against Sam and Geoff. Geoff folds - Sam considers risking about 550 duckets on his pocket queens. He folds and Zucky throws up aces. Sam feeling great about his fold says, "hey let's see a flop." The flop comes Q6Q and Sam loses his ever loving mind. It turns out he did not need to crush Zucky's life and dreams to take over and win the first ever MNP Ring Game Player of the Year award. The award currently stands at four pieces of old celery, a dead mouse from Rusty's basement, and a night with Kelly. Oh well - congrats. The following is the text taken from an email sent to me by John:

Powers out....
Hussle around to find flashlights....
None to be found... go to the store, buy 2 $1.99 lights and $8.00 in batteries....
Go buy a $1,000 Generator.....
Call a friend for help... dick him around a bit..... cancel on him last minute as he's leaving the house...
Spend 2 hours hooking it up, hard wire the furnace in the basement, finally up running.....
Power comes on just as the furnace fires up..... FUCKING PRICELESS!

The night began to drag on a bit and Greg decided he needed to take a piss. So, he walks out the back door and begins relieving himself on Rusty's beautiful lawn... while of course checking out other houses to see if he could see anyone naked inside. Suddenly he hears the prancing of hoof prints on the lawn. Holy shit! Has Santa come early to deliver us our well deserved gifts? Excitedly, I try to stop peeing but just as I began, to my horror, I saw three HUGE white-tail deer heading right for me. Without a second to think I try to move but realize that I am now riding an 8-point buck bare-back. Normally this would not be a problem. Who am I kidding! This is definitely a problem. Somehow from watching all those Bull Riding shows on ESPN I figure out how to ride and control the beast. As I turn it around I drive him right through the screen door and into Rusty's basement. The horrified looks on the other players faces made it all worthwhile. But when I coaxed it into mating with Kelly, Dan's eyes lit up with delight! Kelly was trapped. A 200 pound buck with me on top of it. This beast was intent on impregnating Kelly. At some point I hear Sam yelling, "Kelly, its your damn turn!" At that exact moment the universes collided and as the buck bucked me off its back, it squealed with delight. Alarmingly, Dan begins squealing with delight also as he was busy under the table... apparently, so was Misha as he came up licking his lips. Happy Thanksgiving and shit.

Holy shit. The one thing you do not want to ever happen at the poker table is to have Sam sitting next to you saying, "I think I am going to kill someone." That was after the THIRD time his nut flush gets sucked out by a full house. Geoff, sitting to his left says, "Uh, can I move?" I walked into the game as a 110 ducket preflop pot is brewing. I say, "WHOA! That is whacky!" I am told that this is the third time in the first 30 minutes of play it has happened. I am scared. I try my hardest not to let my whimper become audible, but I believe my nervous farts gave it away. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Misha bites Sam in the arm and hangs on like a pitbull attacking an old lady crossing the street. Sam lets out a yelp and picks up one of the Playboys to begin slapping him in the face. Misha does not relent and Sam picks up a chair to remedy the situation. The chair breaks over Misha's frothing mouth and we realize the bastard has become rabid. Sam is fucking pissed now. He slams Misha through the sliding glass door - it was closed. Finally, the bloodied, beaten, and bruised Misha relents. He stands up, looks at us all, and walks to his car and leaves. We all continue play. Rusty gets beaten so many times, he considers calling the anal rape hotline, but knowing Kelly would answer deterred him a bit. Greg flops a set of aces and tries to get some action - he gets none and becomes bitter. Towards the middle of the night, Derwin falls over in his chips and is dead asleep. We continue to blind him out for the rest of the night. I wonder if he is still sleeping there?

On a cold evening in the country another poker game breaks out. Kelly is still in the overall lead for the Mac-Daddy year long lead. The top dog. The super man. The master poker player. The outplayer, the bluffer, the... damn that man is gay. Dan, Rusty and Sam are right on his heels and plan to make the end of the year somewhat interesting. Sam rides a roller coaster during this game that makes the Anaconda look like a pony carousel. He went up and down so many times it reminded me of that one time in band camp... well, never mind. Greg holds his own in his second return to a Monday night, although this one was an accident... he didn't mean to show up it just happened. Crazy fucking game. Derwin decides to stay in New Orleans and who the hell knows what happened to Dan. Fabian shows up with high hopes, but the cards were stacked against him... literally. After he passed out on the floor we made a nine-story card house on top of him.

And so it happens. Greg drearily shows his head back to MNP. He walks in slowly, then quickly has to dodge a few rotten tomatoes thrown his way. Then the jeers began, and the mocking. If Greg was expecting a nice reception to his homecoming he was sadly mistaken. First hand out Greg raises, and gets re-raised and re-raised again. All laugh as Greg meekly folds, his skirt tucked nicely between his legs. And so it happens... Greg decides to take matters into his own hands and begins to play hard. Actually, it is not hard to win when you get aces. And as the dust cleared, Greg ends up playing seven hands the whole night but cashes out a cool plus 270 duckets. Sam goes on a roller coaster ride like no one has ever seen. Sam uttered the words "all in" so many times we were beginning to wonder if he knew what it meant, especially when he was saying it on hands he was not even in. Derwin finally stops his long string of suckouts that has lasted so long that when it began Kelly was a anal virgin. Oh yeah, Kelly. Sorry but Tiny decided to cash in on the bet I lost to him in prison. Hopefully he was gentle as promised. Dan drops a significant enough number of duckets that Kelly, our resident Alternative Lifestyle Friend (ALF), takes over the honors of Master Poker Player. By the way - whoever the fuck decided to give out Arabic Digestive Drops for Halloween, I would like you to get raped by Bigfoot and his twelve brothers and sisters. I kid you not that is one of the pieces of candy we found in our kids candy bags. Holy crap I hate people.

Damn I hate jail. Sorry it has taken so long to update the website but I had to serve out my stint at the local penitentiary. The only good thing about jail is that I meet all kinds of neat people. I would not have been in there but, as usual, I was set up... "the bitch set me up!" Yeah, you heard it right. I was just minding my own business smoking some crack with a few crack whores and all of the sudden the doors went flying open and shit. These dudes all dressed up in black came in telling me to put my hands up. Scared the hell out of me - at least until I realized it was just O.J. coming to get his shit back that I "borrowed." Asshole still doesn't believe I was going to give it back. Well, unfortunately we ended up in the same jail cell, too. It looks like while I was gone Kelly was beating the shit out of everyone and he ends up winning the third quarter Master Poker Player title. Oh shit, Kelly - I forgot to tell you: I lost your anal virginity in a card game while I was in the joint... don't worry you won't need to do anything, Tiny will stop by to collect his debt. You will know it is him because he is about 6'8", tatoos up both sleeves, and he is normally seen hanging out with about twelve other guys just like him - but tell them I said "no" if they all try to take a shot at you. Real nice guys, though. I am sure you will agree. Derwin looks like he has fallen on hard times since I quit playing - and Rusty has quickly moved up in the overall standings. it should be a dramatic end to the final quarter. Fuck I am tired. Going to bed... ship it.

My curse has worked! I used the only Fuzzy Bunny curse known to mankind. It has boogered the Fuzzy Bunny all up and now he is in turmoil. The curse involved taking three live toads, one Golden Hamster, four Himalayan cats (including mine), and one large dump truck and inserting it into FBs anus while he is sleeping. You must do it while he is sleeping or it won't work. It is fun to watch him walk the next day - better yet, when he gets stopped for DUI [video]. Kelly has now taken over the Master Poker Player spot - and considering how long it has probably been since he got laid, it may be renamed to the Super Mega Masturbater Spot. Either way, he has taken down the Fuzzy Bunny. I was at the beach last week enjoying the sun and fun. Ah, yes - the waves, the sounds, the Fisher's popcorn, the Dumser's ice cream, and me wearing my new thong. Life is good. My poker therapist was right. Derwin seemed to have slipped a bit - probably running into some massive suckout, while Rusty is starting his climb back up the ladder. We are still missing the shit out of John and Christie and hope they will be back soon... not being able to hear John say, "I am such a bad player - fuck! I know I have the best hand. I fold", or Christie saying, "Damn you - you fuck... I can't believe you called with that shit!" has really brought the game down. But alas, they are with us in our hearts... and in Kelly's case, since he has no heart, his left breast. So now I am off to another therapy session - this one includes something about jumper cables and car batteries. Sounds fun! Woo Hoo!

Holy shit! What is that? Kelly takes aim at the fuzzy bunny and puts a HUGE dent in his furry little lead. Kelly makes a 948 ducket swing in one night to bring him within just over 100 duckets from being the new Master Poker Player. He's got the bunny on the run... but until he gets his son's transmission fixed he won't be going anywhere. Misha cracks FBs slowplayed kings (KK no good) and moves up many places in the overall standings. Greg takes his first week off and is amazed at what it feels lke to get sleep on a Monday night. He came home from work, ate a nice dinner prepared by his wonderful wife, smoked a HUGE stogie on his deck, then smoked another one, then relaxed with his wife watching a bunch of meteors fly through the atmosphere. I am pretty sure I saw one hit Rusty's house but I think that was just Pete's head exploding after shipping 300 duckets. Terri showed up at 7:30pm and apparently no one was there so she Greg to figure out the deal - Greg says to her, "the sun rises every day, the sun sets every night, and on every Monday night there is poker... there will be game, people are just late." She waits for people to show up and then leaves 1.5 hours later 150 duckets in the hole. Derwin, possibly for the first time ever, missed a game because he was puking up some alien looking shit - it was green and orange... it might have been his spleen or something. Either way, he was bitter he had to miss it. Anyway, another night on the felt is complete and Greg can say with 100% accuracy that he was not sucked out one time the whole night.

Dan is now running over the whole MNP crew like we were little schoolgirls in tight mini-skirts with no underwear on and perky breas... um, shit - wait. Uh, never mind. Anyway, he is a one-man wrecking crew and taking no prisoners. We all think he is cute sitting there with his floppy ears and furry little face. But inside he is a ferocious man-beast trying to get out of a cute little bunny body. Even his therapist has called us and warned us of his potential for disaster. We laugh and give it little merit saying, "but it's just a little bunny rabbit." Oh, the horror. The mistakes we have made. Each time he takes down a pot from someone they are heard saying, "but it's just a mere flesh wound." Soon the flesh wounds turn into slashes at the jugular vein. We are scared. We are prepared. We are bringing guns to next weeks game. Yummy hassenpfeffer. Kelly is apparently going to pay for his sons new transmission on poker money he has won over the last week. Rusty is also trying to pay for his child support in the same way. We actually video taped clip of Greg's last three months of poker playing [ video ]. Burt ships money like it was going out of style... Geoff tries to keep up with his buddy, but falls a few hundred duckets short. Derwin runs into Rusty's backdoor, well actually it was more like a trapdoor straight. Eileen runs into so many aces with her KK that she actually starts folding them preflop. Learie was sitting and watching like a lion in the weeds - I don't know what he is up too, but we should all be scared. Be very scared.

We hit the new digs at Sam's house - his poker room of glory. Came equipped with three glory holes, too. The game was fun as usual. Sam's first night in his new poker room tears him a new asshole. He ships every ducket he owns and finally decides he has had enough - he changes the channels on both of his 32" flatscreen TVs to "I Love Lucy" reruns. Pete lose his mind and goes allin every hand until he loses all his duckets, too. Greg, happy as he has been with poker, ships all his duckets and pops 47 blood vessels in his head. He decides to leave and not come back - ever, ever, ever, ever. I want to see the over/under on how long before I play again, though. Misha, curious as he always is, decides to check out one of the glory holes. We are shocked to find out that they lead to a den of racoons - I would have to say Misha was a bit shocked, too. He retreats his shredded member from the hole, sits down at the table and proceeds to raise every hand he is in... we believe it is to make up for other things that may not be raising for awhile. Derwin makes a very impressive charge at Dan's top spot with a HUGE plus 640 ducket win. Rusty also pours on the steam at the end of the night and cashes out big after a few big hands. Kelly makes mincemeat of Sam and regrets it later when Sam shoves Kelly's head into one of the glory holes. To Kelly's chagrin this hole was routed into a den of scorpions - now that was funny! We giggled as Kelly screamed in pain and came out of the hole looking like the Elephant Man.

On a serious note which happens very rarely at MondayNightPoker, please keep John and Christie in your thoughts and prayers. As most of you know, they were in a very serious car accident last week and it will take quite some time for them to heal up... WE MISS YOU GUYS! On a second serious note: holy shit I cannot believe how I lost my chips last night. I am in the big blind. There is one limper prior to the small blind who raises to 6 duckets. My J8 of spades is solid so I call and the earlier limper, who is also fuzzy, calls. The flop comes out KQ10 of spades. I flop the mac-daddy flush with a straight flush redraw, but like I would need it. Immediately, the small blind goes allin. I think for a second (since I am on the damn phone) and I go allin because I know I have the small blind crushed. The Fuzzy Bunny looks at me and says, "what? did you say allin? Uh, well - I call." He throws up his A6 of spades and I suddenly start shitting myself uncontrollably. The Fuzzy Bunny begins to run over the table like a fucking steamroller on a street of butter. He takes down Tony in a crazy hand for all 250+ chips, then pops him and Pete both later with KK. It was ugly and I believe we have a new record holder for the most winnings in one night at plus 927 for the bunny. The night ends innocently enough as Tom finally loses his shit and begins to have a epileptic seizure while simultaneously having a turrets attack on the table. We were just glad he kept his damn clothes on because the shit was whack.

The highlight of the night... Rusty hits a king high straight flush against Geoff's ace high flush. It is ugly as Rusty gets paid big. Even Geoff has to admit it was a beautiful hand. However, after he threw Greg G.'s ashtray at Rusty's head we had to wonder if he really meant it. No worse for wear, Rusty shakes off the bumps and bruises and collects a solid plus 138 for the night. Greg S. finally plays some solid poker for the first time in quite awhile... he did have to sacrifice Sam's $18,000 Yahama VMaxx 250HP bass boat motor in order to get it done, but man it was worth it to win 346 duckets. On the felt at table number two we could not believe how quiet it was... compared to last week when it was so loud that my neighbors actually set up a picket line in front of my house to try to drive us out of the community. Funny how fast people run when a skunk joins the fray. Thanks for letting us borrow your pet skunk Tom! The biggest pot of the night goes to Derwin and Dan when they both went allin only to see Dan's QQ take down Derwin's pocket 10s. Derwin still makes a strong comeback to end up in the positive after being in for three buyins. Don't forget that Rusty's birthday is Thursday, July 12. Everybody wish him a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! As a club we decided to have Jessica Alba come in to spank him, but she could not make it so she is sending her agent. She said he is cute so it should be all good.

The best advice I can give any poker player - and you can bank on this advice every single time - is do not bluff your whole stack into a flopped set. By the way I wanted to thank everyone who donated duckets into the kitty the other night since we came up short by 100 duckets. If anyone does not remember giving their duckets in before getting a new set of chips please let me know because it SUCKS to have to recoup it from the remaining players at the end of the night. Also, since I realized that during the night I am now getting up to get people more chips an average of 40 times per night (and that does not include people cashing out) I will need volunteers to take over each week. I wish I could use that as an excuse for why my game is so bad, but I can't. So if someone can volunteer to do that for awhile I would appreciate it. Learie takes down the pot of the night as post-flop Burt bets 25, Sam goes allin - Learie goes allin and Burt calls. Burt has aces, Sam has 9s and Learie flopped top set. Learie scoops about 700 duckets-plus in that pot. Dan takes over the top spot from Sam mainly due to Greg's final hand blunder. Christie and Tom beat up on Derwin so badly he finally says, "Holy shit - I gotta go. I can't sit between you two card mongrels. Greg cash me out... wait I have nothing to cash out. Shit - I'm outta here!" We hear him screaming all the way down the street in agony. I have decided I need a vacation so I am taking my family to the food capital of the world: Hungary.

First a side note: When playing at my house you may want to consider parking up the street... it may be safer for your car. What an interesting night. First thing that happens is someone sideswipes a car down the street and takes off driving. We were like... um, ok? Then a group of 16 year olds came up asking if we had seen who did it. Now here is the problem: 16 year old girls and dirty old men. We all resisted but we are still wondering where Greg G. went and why he trodded off so quickly. Second side note: When playing at my house it can get hot. I don't know what to tell you there, it just happens. So dress accordingly and bring whatever drinks you need to survive, you are welcome to my shit, but I don't always have a full stock. Normally the real heat does not start to settle in until Dan continously gets lucky and shreds Pete and John - the steam off their heads warms the place up nicely. Third side note: When a skunk runs into the garage DO NOT try to grab it like Tom P. did... this was a holy mess as the skunk sprayed his junk right in Tom's eyes. Tom was screaming in pain and we just looked at him - the skunk ran away and we took all of Tom's money. We finally condensed down to a single table at 1am and Dan's luck ran out - Pete had Dan in his sights all night and mangled his KK with a AK allin call. Dan was so befuddled as the ace came up on the flop that he grabbed Tom's pet skunk and began sobbing. When the cops finally showed up from the hit-and-run down the street and questioned us they took Rusty away in cuffs on an unrelated Llama molestation charge.

06/18/07

Holy shit! Greg actually posts his first positive night in a long fucking time. It's been so long since he posted a plus the last time it happened Tom got laid. Misha, Derwin and Russ shipped so much money that they insured Dan F. the first place spot in the rankings.... this is rather unfortunate. But there are a few more weeks before the quarter closes out. More to come later - I am tired...

Did I mention that poker is a stupid game? I have run into so many people's nuts head first I feel like Elton John in jail. It has finally started to be amusing every time I flop a monster only to be outflopped. I enjoy being second best hand every time. So much so that I finally let my emotions get the best of me, and damn it felt good. I threw my cards a Zucky - which by the way I will be getting my money back from Chris Ferguson whom I paid a lot of money to learn how to cut someone's jugular vein by throwing a card - I went allin blind every time until I lost my money - which by the way I would not recommend, and I stood up on the table and screamed and cried and gnashed my teeth for five straight minute - which by the way I do recommend. The tide is turning - next week I will be on top... I am not sure what I will be on top of, maybe the next person who sucks me out, but I will be on top. Geoff has now become immortalized as the first person to ship 700 duckets in one night, Rusty has the record for being the first person to put 5000 duckets overall on the line, and Misha has the record for the smallest net gain/loss consistently for each week. Rick, however, has the mac-daddy of them all. In almost 37 hours of playing MNP this year, he has taken exactly 100 duckets home with him. Next week the game is at my house, so if I lose all my duckets I will throw your asses out on the street and then starting spraying lead all over the place while you fuckers run for cover... oh, and watch out for the land mines, too. Poker is so fun... where is my gun.

It is really getting old explaining to you how it feels to have my aces cracked in various ways for large sums of duckets... so I have decided to put another twist on it. This time I will explain the beauty of how you can actually enjoy watching your aces be smashed to one hundred million pieces on the river by a fucking piece of shit-assed mother fucking Queen. Dear Pete, I wish no ill upon you, except maybe a touch of salmonella, or maybe tuberculosis. Ah yes, the beauty of watching Learie slowly flip over that river card and that lady appearing as if to say to me, "Greg - fuck you - ha ha ha ha ha!" After I left Rusty's house, I actually felt like giggling... kinda like a little schoolgirl. I began giggling even harder as I keyed the shit out of everyone's cars. Then I poured honey in everyone's gas tanks. Hey - don't get mad at me, the therapist told me it would make me feel better. And it did. The kicker was taking a dump inside Rich's open sunroof. Ray D. shows up and ass-rapes everyone he can. He then picks up a Playboy magazine and puts his stack in lockdown mode. I took my kids snake hunting today and luckily for me we caught a baby Diamondback Rattlesnake. I love them because they have very deadly venom, but it is very tough to detect in a humans bloodwork... Next Monday should be a whole bunch of fun as I steal all the chips from my hallucinating friends as they begin to perish one by one. Well, you are supposed to be my friends, well you act like my friends, well actually shit - you don't even act like my friends. I am done... ship it.

Some nights the poker Gods are just not in your favor... and some nights they let you know by losing some really horrible hands because you were second best. Then there is a night like Rusty experienced last night. These nights do not come around very often, but man when they do, it is uglier than watching a porn shoot with Sam in a thong. Rusty runs into Dan F. so many times that we were beginning to think they were going to start mating. Three times we saw the agony in Rusty's face when Dan had a higher two pair, we saw trips over trips, and the ending blow... full house over full house - both totally hidden. It was so bad that Fabian starting weeping uncontrollably. Then his weep turned into a fit of rage as he is betting huge into Greg S. and Greg is calling him down - why, you might ask? Because Greg S. flopped the mac-daddy full house! Fabian stands up and says, "I would like to take this time to say fuck all of you - seriously, fuck all of you - I hate you all. You fucking are supposed to be my friends but all you want to do is take my money and laugh at me. What the hell is that?" We all look at him. He gets up and leaves and fatefully Greg S. giggles as he is walking out the door. Fabian flies back in and picks up a chair and whacks Kelly in the head. Kelly gets up staggering and bleeding and says, "odugc hus hsuosihc." I looked it up on the Internet and still don't know what it means. It might mean; "enjoy the karma you are feeling from a metal object cracking you in the head you fuck. Love, the mice."

Ever wonder what it is like to lose 375 duckets in one hand with pocket aces? Well sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how its done. Such a splendid evening... the stars were out, the cards were flying and Greg was enjoying one of his few nights ever in his entire fucking life where he was significantly up in a game. Ah yes, what could go wrong? "Last hand" was called when the button hits Rusty. As the button passes Rusty we say, "Just five more minutes!" What has Greg got to lose? He just folds every hand and walks out of there with 400 extra duckets in his pocket. Oh look! He has pocket aces... and there is a raise and a reraise before him! Woo hoo - he makes a sizable raise to the last raise and gets one caller. The flop comes out 5-4-5. Well shit - what a great flop! Unless the caller has pocket 5s surely he would not be in this hand. He has to have an over pair! And I have aces! Oh man... life is good - I am going home the biggest winna with a chicken dinna! The caller bets 12 duckets and I raise to 50... he reraises me another 75. Holy shit I am so rich! "I am allin," I say with confidence that could only be wrecked by my opponent throwing up his J5 offsuit. Now, there are few things more painful than losing your entire hard worked stack on one stupid hand at the very end of the night... well, actually there is nothing more painful. Dan you must buy me a new purebred Himalyan cat, and a new Martin guitar, and several new pieces of furniture. I love this stupid game.

Derwin makes some of the oddest noises we have all heard in quite awhile. For a moment, we actually thought he might be masturbating under the table - or maybe humping a small cow. But alas, we find out it is just the pain and anguish he felt running into Geoff's nuts at full steam. I guess I would make a funky sound, too. Tom P. finally gets himself out of the red with a very nice posting of plus 284, with Kelly R. just behind him at plus 228. Speaking of behind, after the fourth time I had asked John L. to stop rubbing his genitals against my back, I finally snapped. I always knew that G-Loomis made an excellent fishing rod, but was unaware of the pure, raw power it has when whacked against someone's head... and throat... and eyes. Trust me, it was unsavory, but made me feel better. John L. can't concentrate after the beating and ends up shipping it to the tune of minus 265. Speaking of tunes, Greg's bowels were exceedingly potent last night and he ended the night with a full and charming rendition of the famed Ramones song, Blitzkrieg Bop." It was done in B-flat... and it cleared out the garage quickly. Dan F. burns through cash like no one has ever seen. Holy shit that was the most wrong thing I have ever said - sorry about your house, Dan. Even your bankroll burned up. Dan says, "Hey! I got my new custom chips! They are now the second most valuable thing I own!" The sad thing is, he wasn't kidding...Greg's son Justin goes into Rusty's van to find a key he lost. Justin comes back saying, "Uncle Rusty, I didn't find a key, look look at all the cool wires I found! They even made neat fireworks when I pulled them out!"

Holy shit - Rusty rhymes and pillages his way from 19th place to 6th place overall in one night with the mack-daddy 660 ducket win. When asked about his accomplishment he responded, "Well, I knew that Greg S. was not going to be there tonight since his pussy hurt... and because of that I had my chance. I knew I could take these fish down by hitting every single flop, turn and river out there. I even spanked John L. in a big hand by putting my nuts squarely on his chin. I had fun and each time I won a hand I was thinking about how hot I am. You can't touch this!" Meanwhile, back at the game, Eileen is setting Mike G. on such a massive rage of tilt that his head actually fell off and rolled across the floor all while saying, "I don't want to talk about it. I really don't want to talk about it. But, you know, I really thought she had the straight - how can she..." his sentence was stopped abrubtly by the sound of Eileen exclaiming, "Oh goodie! I win! Give me my chips." There seemed to be a very strange mood throughout the evening as everyone was cheerful and having fun - even as Learie, Sneaky Pete, and others were shipping it - the hugs and high-fives were going on about the room. At one point Rusty yelled, "group hug!" And simulataneously all 13 other players jumped on top of Rusty. Sam, Greg S., and Greg G. were nowhere to be found on this beautiful spring night - Jimmy sends an email that he will return one day, and Kelly sobs over having his advances on Derwin rebuffed.

Rick looks down and says - "I win, I have a flush..." all look at him bewildered. "Uh, dude, there is no flush on the board." Derwin is heard saying. Then Eileen happily chimes in, "oh look you have a straight! How exciting!" Rick, trying to save face while text messaging with some chick who wants to play strip poker, says, "yeah, that's what I meant. I have a straight." Soon thereafter a 10-3 offsuit takes almost all of Rick's stack and he tilts himself into the night... Sam hits no less than 25 pocket pairs for the night and starts out rocky by losing with almost all of them. He rebuys and then takes down the table in a plus 305 way. But on a spicy night for MNP, he is actually third for the chip lead behind Jimmy P's plus 392, and Sneaky Pete's plus 367. Sneaky Pete has taken the Master Poker player spot from GG with only a few weeks to go in the first quarter. Greg S. builds a big stack early and then decides it would be fun to ship it all. He becomes a very bitter man and decides that his sole purpose in life is now to suck people out and make them angry. He thinks that will be fun so he will be having a meeting with Mallin the Poker Goddess next week. Newcomers Lee S. and Tudor each leave with some money, albiet not in the plus. Learie comes and donates 340 duckets to the poker Gods in the hopes that he will get it all back 10-fold the next time. Geoff and Fabian also ship it. Derwin seems to be coming out of his slump and posts a solid plus 271 and Mike Zuckman plays one pot the entire night, the very last one, and wins it.

So - Home Depot on a Saturday sucks. I was trying to find the things I needed... or should I say wanted, or should I say I was just trying to get out of the house. Anyway, I am a gambler - not so much a gambler as someone who takes calculated chances. So as I am walking around the store I realize that I have to fart. Not wanting to offend anyone I carefully look around to make sure I am in the clear. As yes, privacy and seclusion. I can rip a nice big fart and feel good about it. What happened next was what we term, "gambled and lost." Well, unfortunately for me it was not completely a fart that was to exit my orifice that day. As my face squinched up in horror and my legs clamped shut, I realized a butt nugget had escaped. "Oh shit" I exclaimed humorously realizing the irony behind that outburst. I finally came to peace with my mistake and confidently walked up to the cashier, cashed out and went home. As I walked in the front door I said, "honey... are you doing laundry today? Because if you aren't you are now!" John becomes irate after he loses hand after hand to bad beats. Finally, he gets up and grabs Rusty's axe. We all are aware of his actions, but stay calm as he says, "oh, don't worry guys - this is just my card protector." On the very next hand John goes allin. Greg looks at pocket 7s shivering with fear as he calls. John hits his two pair and Greg is relieved that he may not be accosted - but the river is a seven and John chops off Misha's left ear...

Redemption! It will never happen again but it had to be done... Greg looks at a bunch of limpers. Again he is on the button and looks at his cards - ah yes, the famous 23 offsuit. He raises to 10 duckets. Again Pete calls. "Son of a bitch!" Greg is heard from under his breath. The flop comes out total shit and before the cards even hit the deck Greg hears check, check. He throws out a 13 ducket bet. Pete folds! "Yes! Yes! Victory!" What Greg doesn't know is that Pete was holding 23 offsuit as well. Derwin is heard from the other table yelling and screaming at the dealer. Kelly becomes offended and picks up the corner lamp and throws it at him. The lamp hits Derwin right in the jaw knocking out his broken tooth. Derwin is then seen calling his dentist to cancel his morning appointment. Rich's wonderful wife sends over delicious evil brownie things. Greg forgot that he is the one who took all her money the last time she played. Just as Greg finishes his third brownie his stomach starts rumbling... and the Ex-lax takes effect. Greg is gone for the night. Greg G. retains his reign as the Master Poker Player even though Pete and Greg S. are on his trail. Just a few short weeks and the first quarter is over... don't ship it Greg G. At 3:00am we finally decide to call the game but not before the real fun begins. Dan runs into unraised KK and ships his whole stack and Sam runs into a rivered full house. They are both pleased with the outcome. Yawn... fart. Oh, well MNP Player of the Year tourney this Friday. Good luck to all who are playing... ship your chips to me!

Greg S. makes the play of the century. He uses his skills in reading his opponent and in utilizing perfect timing in the ultimate hand of the night. Greg S. is on the button and there are all limpers behind him. He looks at his cards and makes it five times the blind to call. He gets one caller. The flop comes out A rag rag and Greg stares down his worthy opponent. Pete checks and Greg instantly throws out a 16 ducket bet knowing the flop missed Pete entirely. The turn comes out another rag. Pete checks and Greg S. bets a solid and convincing 45 ducket bet. Pete calls. Greg now thinks, "huh, this can't be good." The river comes out shit and Pete bets 50 duckets. Greg woefully looks at his hand, looks at the board, looks at Pete, and then looks at his hand again. "Well, Pete - I guess I have to lay this down, you obviously have the better hand." Greg throws up his 23 offsuit to everyones amusement. And the stellar read Greg S. put on his opponent? Well, Pete shows his pocket rockets and the ace on the flop to give him the set. Mental note: 23 offsuit is not as strong as one might think. I wish that was not a true story, but alas, it is. Greg G. is now starting to take the Master Poker Player game to a new level. He has now almost doubled up his lead on his next tracker Kelly who shipped it on Monday. Pete makes a huge run in the standings along with newcomer Al D. who, to Jimmy's delight, relieves Jim of all his chips. Derwin can't catch a flop to save his life, and his roommate makes him walk home after the night is over...

Never seen that before. John quits again, but this time with style! Derwin raises him huge and John stands up and throws his cards in the middle, then turns around and moons the table. It would have been funny had there not been a hanger in his forest. He then does the unexpected. He farts uncontrollably and the hanger flies at an undetermined amount of speed right into Kelly's temple. Kelly is down for the count and we must call 9-1-1. "911 may I help you?" Screaming into the phone Rusty says, "man down, man down! There is a fat white guy who just got hit in the head with a turd! Come quick!" The operator responds, "Sir, is he breathing? Does his face look discolored?" Rusty says, well - I am not going to check if he is breathing but the fact that there is a turd on his face has discolored him slightly." The operator then asked Rusty to perform mouth-to-mouth on Kelly. First Rusty looks at Kelly, then at his chips stack. "Fuck it - lets split up his chips. I think he is toast anyway." We shove Kelly to the side, split up his chips and continue play. Greg G. continues his domination of the table, albeit this time only hitting quads one time with aces - well, except for when he punched Rusty for reraising him. Jimmy and Sam finally get out of the red. Greg S., Pete, Derwin, and Kelly all ship a little to drop in the standings.

Greg G. sees more bullets than a Narc at a biker rally... at least five, maybe six. He hit Quads two times and hits a resuck on Misha in a devastating hand that threw Misha right over the edge. Misha cannot believe the ace came up to beat him and he screams bloody murder when it does. A spontaneous farting contest starts and Kelly and Eileen are sent running from the room as Greg S. and Sam take the honors. Although Sam's did sound a little jucier. Finally, once Greg G. gets his aces for the 5th time, he pulls out his new card protector - the Terrible Towel. Oh no, not the Pittsburgh Steeler towel, the TERRIBLE towel. The one that keeps its shape perfectly when you pick it up. We all fold immediately and Greg G. grabs the Mariah Carey Playboy Mag and is gone. Kelly finally comes back into the room and realizes that he has lost his Poker Master Title to Greg G. who is smirking at the end of the table. Fabian ships his first buyin and tries to get up to leave. Sam stands up and says, "boy, it's time for you to sit down and play some poker. Rebuy!" Fabian does and it proves to be the right call and he ends up plus 31. Sam is almost even for the year after taking a few horrid hits early on - he only needs 25 more chips to the plus to be on the plus side. We will do our best to make sure that does not happen.

As the amusement begins, John says to Christie, "see they are better players than me because I folded a great hand and they are all calling." Christie says, "well, only one of them will be a good player, the other will be a loser." Ouch. Derwin makes John his personal bitch throughout the night and reraises him at every turn. John finally makes a stand and Greg S. runs squarely into his nuts. That sucked. But John gets the last laugh as Derwin ends up shipping it at the end of the night running into trip aces on the flop. As we are playing all of the sudden we heard gunshots outside all over the place - and they were hitting Rusty's window. We all scatter and start weeping uncontrollably. Sam is actually caught under the table with a small yellow puddle under him. He claims he spilled his lemonade. Finally someone gets the balls to look outside and we realized that the cokes that were put on the stoop began exploding from the 8 degree temperatures. Now that was funny. John decides to quit playing poker again. This time we believe he is serious as he decides to tell Christie that if he ever plays again she is allowed to punch Fabian in the nuts. The new stats go up and Kelly with his big plus 346 takes over the top honors as Greg G. and Derwin end up in the shitter. Greg S. is a true grinder working his way up the ladder to an hourly average of plus 4. I rule.

First, clips of Sam playing at Party Poker! [ video ] [ video ]
If you had aces last night you may as well have folded. We saw more bullets last night than if you were sitting out on a park bench during a beautiful night in Southeast Washington, DC. And, ominously, they got cracked more than the dude in the alley 27 feet away from you with his pipe. Derwin first busts up Kelly's aces and then pummels Greg's aces to bring him way up for the night after a very rocky start. Greg G. has taken MNP by storm and made us all his bitches. He smacks us around like we are Marion Barry's crack whore. He takes us down like we are beginners in a world of pros. He dropkicks us like... oh fuckit. Never mind - He pummels us. Kelly drops from the top spot like a falling star heading towards a black hole, and Greg G. happily takes over - with Derwin close on his heels. Derwin announces that he will be taking the spot over with such convincing power that after a few weeks we will all be doing nothing less than fighting for second place. Greg S. announces that he is shutting down the MNP site effective immediately until he starts being able to keep a fucking lead. He is sick of building big stacks only to end up barely even for the night. He is very, very bitter. Greg S. decides he is going to read a poker book to try to learn how to play this fucking game.

As told by Rusty - the gracious (and I mean gracious) host of this Monday night session.

"The game began ominously enough, with Ray flopping a set of Aces vs. Rusty’s AK, and it went on for four more hours on that stingingly repeating note. Ray hit flops like they were crack pipes and turned more queens over than Liberace at an orgy. Rusty takes a dramatic swan dive out of the top spot and in to mediocrity, -400. After a heated discussion, of which part of Brokeback Mountain was more poignant, Sam and Tom decide to both ship it to Greg G. and his monster pair of threes. Fabian and Misha both take baby steps toward the top spot. Greg, Derwyn and Kelly whine and bitch about actually having to go to a meeting that doesn’t involve food on Tuesday and are absent. Ship it!"

I did hear some other stories and I know there were some horrendous suckouts since I heard the screams and gnashing of teeth from 30 miles away at my office that night. Greg, Derwin and Kelly try to get a game together while at work but Heather quickly put the quash on that threatening life and limb to us all. Alas, we must work while discussing the shippage that is occuring without us. Sadly, we miss the game - but after seeing the stats we might be glad - holy shit. It looks like Raisin' Ray decided to wake up and play some poker as he goes from the outhouse to damn near the penthouse in stats in one night. Tom must have had a rough night since his ever cherished car was seen "parked" on his front stoop when I woke up this morning - it looked like he may have still been in it, but I was not that concerned. I am jonesin' for next week!

We had eighteen people come to drink, eat, talk, berate, abuse, bluff, and ship. The super shippin' award goes to Jimmy P who shipped 200 duckets in 1.5 hours, closely followed by Rick L who shipped the same amount in 2 hours. Sam got sucked out so bad on a runner runner flush that instead of actually losing his mind and committing a felony he says, "good hand! Let's shake on it." As we all hear the painful sound of breaking fingers we cringe while looking at Dan's face. Rusty J. continues his dominating 2007 performance and he also takes over the MNP Master Poker Player spot. He mocks Kelly after the takeover and Kelly says, "Well, Russ - to me it's all about winning, not being in the number one spot." What he failed to mention was that he needs to win because he owes Greg S. a ton of child support money. Ray sees nothing but aces as Tom gets pocket aces 70% of the last 15 hands. And Ray and Dan were determined to take him down. It was an impressive sequence of beatings and in those few hands Tom goes from down 300 duckets to plus 76 duckets. You gotta love no limit poker. Greg's wife has their third baby on Tuesday and it is finally a girl - she will be automatic Babe of the Year. All in all it was a fun night - although some may disagree - amazingly the game only lasted until 2:30am. After Greg finally went to bed at 4am his wife woke him up at 8:30am saying, "uh dude, you going to work?" Holy shit - I just found this video and had to share it [ VIDEO ]. Sam has decided that the next person to suck him out will get to ride his own homemade slingshot... which might not work out as well as the video taped one... ok, nothing left for me to say - I am tired. I need to find out what my tell is, I need to duct tape my door back on my truck, I need to go change my kids diaper.

You know that feeling when you actually will a card to come out on the board to give you the hand you are drawing to? Like last night… Greg actually wills a jack to hit the board to give him his miracle inside straight to the queen. Life is so good – time to start counting the money in the pot! Greg bets a sizable bet and all fold like the newspaper. Until it gets to Fabian. Fabian raises enough to put Greg all in. What??? You fool! Ha ha ha ha ha ha, wait a minute! Do not fucking tell me you have KQ… oh no you di’ent. Greg calls and Fabian throws up the KQ for the higher straight. Greg throws up on the table. How the, what the, holy shit. He blurts out uncontrollably, “AW COCK!” Greg ponders how it can be that in six hours his wife will be in the hospital having (hopefully) his baby and still the poker Gods mock him. That brings about another subject – whose fucking baby is this anyway? One of you assholes are paying child support! Sam takes a beating so badly that it makes the new Rocky film look tame. At the end of the night he loses the last of his money to Derwin and politely says, “wow, I really didn’t want you to call.” It’s not until the game ends that we find out what that metal on metal sound was in Greg’s driveway after Sam leaves – Greg loses his bet that Sam’s truck can drive right over Derwin’s G35 – ouch, ouch, ouch. Ship it. Next week Greg decides to have a two table game - it almost fills up in 20 minutes. That'll be some goooood shippin'.

Greg is heard saying, "Damn Tom, your rebuys have actually exceeded the number that I have alloted for in my program!" Greg giggles at his quip, Tom does not. Tom requips, "Hey that's funny. By the way it is unusual, but I've heard that your vehicle can actually have all four tires spontaneously deflate in a single evening." Greg goes allin with his final words of "Tom, your momma wears combat boots!" All look at Greg oddly and he says, "well, she does! She left them under my bed last weeken... uh, nevermind." The one word to describe the first game of 2007 is "all in." We had so many all ins going on that Tracy Lords would have been jealous. Greg ships his money so fast he actually gets up and leaves from his own house to drive around and cool off. Sam has become Happy Poker Playing Sam as his New Year's resolution. We will all do our best to test his patience... Sam and Eric go to battle throughout the evening - It seems that Sam landed the final knockout punch and Eric is heard saying, "I won't forget this, Sam. I will be back at Spring Break!" Rusty J comes tearing back in 2007 as he predicted, he finishes up the night plus 408 and is second only to Kelly at 461 for the top honors in the MNP Top Ten. Rusty says, "oh Kelly, you are only one good bluff away from me!" Kelly apparently misinterpreted Rusty's intentions and began blowing in Rusty's ear. Rusty kept trying to get him to stop but then Kelly crawls on top of him trying to kiss him. That was some fucked up shit, especially as Rusty finally brings out his bear repellent mace and blasts Kelly in both eyes. We take Kelly's chips and split them up while we kick his body off to the side.

T'was the day after Christmas and all on the felt,
Some became happy, and some shit themselves.
The poker Gods watched down and laughed at us all,
They put out the cards which tempted our call.
Sam was so happy, and full of good cheer,
Until his sixth rebuy when he punched Rick in the ear.
As Jimmy gets pummeled by a boy half his senior,
We all giggle hard, Jimmy's stack got much leaner.
On Jimmy, on Greg G., on Rusty, and Kelly!
It looks like Brokeback Mountain we watched on the telly!
As Rick's stack was growing, and so were his raises,
Greg S. doubled up twice in two hands on his aces.
Misha is GMPP for his first time at our game,
He stands for a speech and says, "now I feel shame.
My wife is at house, she call me like the dickens,
I hope when I am at house, she feels like a licken!"
John L. is the man we all love him so,
But holy shit dude, just let the cards gooooo!

Up on the roof we hear the frantic prancing of paws,
Eric jumps up and says, "Hey! It's Santa Claus."
He runs up to bed and jumps in with Jill,
We hear Sam yell to his rotweiler puppies, "KILL!"
We all try to leave and Sam says, "you sit!"
No one leaves until all of you ship!"
The good thing we know is the quarter is over,
And next year we start anew with stats that rollover!

It looks like it may be another 7,289 hands before Greg ever flops another straight flush - the odds of even hitting a straight flush is 3,217:1 on any given hand, but flopping it? Christie was displeased. How often is it that someone wins a ton of money with quads, then turns around and ships it losing against quads later in the night. How many boat over boat scenarios did we have? How many best hands post flop got crushed on the turn or river? How many times did John try to reach up Eileen's shirt? Wait - um, never mind. Misha, playing only four hands all night, but all for a shitload of money, takes over the GMPP spot with a HUGE plus 512 night. Greg wins the first four hands and goes up about 250 duckets, only to ship that and another 326 as the night goes on. It was kind of like watching an automobile accident where someone is slumpled half in the car and half out of the car and you try to get a good peek at the impending doom. Well, no one wanted to watch Greg get lambasted over and over again, but they couldn't stop watching it... or giggling. Fuckers. Sam had built so many condos in front of him that he was just about to get hit with a property tax bill from Greg who was sitting next to him - then the chip hemorraging started the likes of which no one had ever seen. It was painful. But not as painful as the look on Tom's face when he realizes that his boat of Queens over Aces had been trumped by Misha's Aces over Queens. Tom actually started weeping at the table... uncontrollably. It was awkward at first, but then Rusty started laughing at him so hard he blew a nose nugget about eight feet across the table right into Jimmy's eye. Kelly finally makes an appearance at the table since being away for the last few months. We all mock him, but he has the last laugh walking away with a good portion of our money.

In a very unfortunate and ironic turn of events Jimmy turns the nuts on Christie's flush. Christie was less than pleased with this improbable circumstance - or did I say circumscision. Ow, ow, ow. Man, that had to hurt. We regretfully had to inform Ms. Jimmy P. that having another child by her husband would be a remote possibility. As a matter of fact, we aren't even sure he qualifies as a male anymore. At the end of the night he doesn't mind too much as he rakes in a plus 255 and is the only likely person to take Tom down as GMPP for the last game of the quarter. Greg decides it would be fun to run into trips with his two pair on two occassions, dwindling his stack from a lot to a little. Unamused, he rebuys and becomes an angry poker player. This is all fun and games until someone gets hurt - sadly, it was Rusty J, our gracious host. Rusty runs into a boat over boat situation with Greg and the two are no longer friends, or business partners. At the end of the night they begin splitting up all the shit for their business and deciding who would take what. Rusty ended up getting the Ronco Pocket Pussy, but Greg got the coveted "Black Plastic Thingy." As Greg was leaving he tried to pilfer the rare and very distinguished cellophane wrapped John L. immunity idol. As he was dragging it out he realized that it was not an idol at all - but the real thing. Greg drops the idol and with a thud it instantly comes alive and tries to bite Greg's leg. The two then get into a heated discussion about when it is okay to show your cards. Tom, in similar fashion to the situation that he put Derwin in the week before, must make a huge decision for most of his stack - he flops a jack high flush and gets put allin. He finally calls and see that he has been bamboozled by a queen high flush.

• Playing Poker with the guys till 3am: +$100
  
  
• Getting to bed at 3:30am and having your wife wake up and want to "talk": -$200
  
  
• New alarm clock after it goes off at 6am: -$18
  
  
• Having your neighbor, who did not play poker all night, watch you frantically searching around your yard for your for the car keys you somehow dropped while walking to the car and laughing hysterically at you while you shit yourself because you will be late for a meeting: Priceless.
  
  

That about sums up the night - Derwin's head almost explodes when he calls Tom's allin bet and runs into a straight. This is after Tom ships 400 duckets and throws a hail mary pass to win it all back in one hand. He almost succeeds, minus 30. Sam throws a few hail mary's and only the last one succeeds when he picks up aces with a flop of 455... he makes some of his money back to save face. Rusty rides a roller coaster along with Derwin - up down up down. Greg has a few hands that he plays. He never steals any pots ever because he is so tight people laugh and make fun of him. He never ever bluffs either and wishes he knew how to play this stupid fucking game. We all agree we hate the game and pick up the table and burn it. Then we burn the chips. Then we burn all our cards. Then we throw Misha in just for fun. We leave the table vowing never to play again... until next Monday. Ship it.

Another absolutely fabulous and brutally fun night in poker mayhem. Not everyone would agree with the fun part – namely Eileen and Christie. Eileen took two beatings that rivaled a NYC police officer doing a routine traffic stop… but we only used two bullets, aces. (Mr. police officer, please remember this is only written for amusement purposes, heh). Christie was the shot heard ‘round the world when that rivered club came up to give Sam the flush over her aces up. She was not pleased – and Sam started into song: “Christie darling, I love you so. I take your chips ‘cause I’m a ho. But Christie dear, it is all in jest! Because we all know that I am the ….” Holy shit I have never seen a chicken bone fly across the table that fast, nor did I know that they could actually cause a nearly fatal puncture wound. Misha gets his nightly phone call from his wife asking him if he has played any hands yet – although he speaks to her in Russian we understand what he is saying, “These fucking asspenises, they take my money and make laugh of me. They hurt my feeling. Can you come salvage me? Beat them off for me?” We are somewhat aroused, but decide to keep playing. John quits again. This time it is for good. He has promised that is he ever comes back he will allow us to watch as a drunken, tattooed, Russian Pigmy with a slight hairlip mounts him. Now we are happy Misha has connections! Greg limps with 97off and says, “Eileen please give me a monster flop.” The flop is 5, 6, 8. Sam bets big, Greg goes allin, Eileen calls, and Sam finally folds. Eileen sees her demise, gets up, grabs her nipple clips (which were attached to Rusty) and leaves. Rick makes the writeup for no apparent reason - maybe because he took all of Greg's first buyin, maybe because he amassed a big stack and shipped it, or maybe just because he is Rick.

John announces to the table that he has a HUGE meeting with the CEO of his company at 8am discussing the physical attributes of molecular gene therapy while breaking down the DNA using some new $60M tool his work got. He says he has to leave by absolutely no later than midnight. At 3am when he is putting literally the last 4 duckets to his name on the table saying, "I can win it all back!" we look at him and say - "Dude, it is time. You must leave. But go ahead and ship that 4 duckets first." Heartless bastards we are. After we finish him off someone says, "Dude, how much is your wife's car worth? You can rebuy." As he begins to consider the proposition his wife jumps up and yells, "you sell that Vette and I rip your balls off and sew them into Rusty's mouth." Wondering how he got involved, Rusty decides to raise and then pummel Derwin again with a much anticipated suck-out. We all think it is funny but Derwin does not. He throws a chair at Rusty and says, "try that shit again and you are gonna taste humble pie." Rusty then becomes hungry and asks for a piece of cheesecake while singing an old Peter Frampton song (nice reference). So the night wears on and Rick, who makes his first MNP appearance goes up HUGE. I mean 6 foot 9 huge. Then, in true Tom P. fashion, carefully redistributes his chips around the table before determining that he really does hate playing poker. We hear a strange noise as he is out in Greg's front yard but we just figure he is mating with the neighbors cat. It was a brisk evening out and Christie's breasts shrank a little more each time we flushed the garage of the heat (steam from Derwin) and smoke (steam from Derwin). By nights end Christie's breasts were down to 36D. Tom yelps as the door begins to open again letting rush of freezing air pour into the garage. Tom exclaims "my nipples are so hard they could cut glass!" He realizes that all of us are staring at him oddly and he adds, "uh if I was a girl... get a brain Morans!"

We almost decided to hide a microphone in John and Christie's car and listen to their ride home... but for fear of being witnesses to the potential felony, we decide this is a bad idea. Many husband and wife players will go easy on their spouse if in a hand. Not John and Christie - they live for taking their spouse down. And John, with his newfound youth after surgery, has no problem giggling about it either. Christie, on the other hand, is not quite as amused at John's antics. After one particular hand, Christie picks up her chips and throws them at John - following that up with a 10 pound weight from Rusty's weight set. I bet it would have hurt if it hit John, but watching it go through the window was almost as amusing. Zucky may as well not play for about two years after hitting pure quads twice in one night and getting paid off both times. Somehow he still ends up minus 10 for the night, and a combined daily total of over one billion duckets in losses. There were very few times we even noticed Sam was at the table tonight - except for the occassional 30 ducket preflop raise, or the nose burning anal excretions, or his final hurrah running into trips - he was more interested in looking at nudie magazines. Yawn... Mike G. comes to clean up the table again but runs into some bad beats including having his trips busted up three times - twice by me. Jimmy was all over the map donating to Christie, then Zucky, then taking it back as quickly as it left his stack. He ends up a monster winner, wins both football pools, and gets a partridge in a pear tree. Oh yeah best new video - this rocks. By the way, why the hell is all the Christmas stuff up already? I mean, after Thanksgiving is okay but now? Santa Claus is unhappy about all this overtime he is working.

Long ago I decided that anger was not appropriate at the poker table. I chided those who showed emotion, I mocked those who cried like little babies, I felt no remorse for those who lost tons of cash, I also knew the value of stealing a pot. All that has changed. I now cry often, scream loud, and resort to violence whenever necessary. Take, for example, last night: a beautiful evening on all counts. Great food, friends and laughter. Then the game started. My cards sucked so bad that it even made my normal shitty cards look bad. I was aggitated, but nonetheless played on. I finally get aces - the only hand I ever play because I am tighter than Ted Haggard's ass. Wait - uh, never mind. I raise three times the blind. EVEN THE BIG BLIND FOLDED. Remembering the whole kerosene incident from a few weeks ago AND knowing that the people I play with are such addicts they will risk life and limb to play, I start a small fire hidden behind Sam's chair. Unfortunately for us, Sam had eaten chili for lunch. The first blast was not bad - just slightly scarred Rusty's back hair. However, the second blast was so powerful that it shot across the floor and hit the neighbor's cat who was hiding in the garage. Now that was some funny shit - a flaming fur fireball flying through the garage. As John is trying to save the poor creature he slips and ends up sliding under the table. And that my friends, is where is happened. Besides noticing the fact that Sam has huge balls because we see it at the poker table every week. He notices the pair of aces hidden under Fabian's leg. He grabs for them and startles Fabian since the last time someone grabbed for his crotch was when Clinton was in office (and Fabian was taking a tour of the White House - coincidence? I think not). We confront Fabian - but then let it slide because we realize after looking at his stats it has not helped him much - Ouch. Quit it. Ouch.

BOO! It's halloween and going by MNP tradition we all come to poker dressed in our costumes. Sam comes dressed as a Mule and becomes friends with Jason who comes dressed as a Donkey (ouch). Christie and Eileen come dressed as pimps for Rusty who is a gay transgendered transvestite with a passion for girls who like nipple clips attached to car batteries. Greg comes dressed as a little schoolgirl which was not a bad costume except that Misha kept trying to look up his skirt. Not surprising since Greg was trying to look at his own breasts all night saying, "dudes, if I was a chick I would be a lesbian!" We have no idea what John dressed up as, but here is a picture: [ John Halloween ]. And Jimmy comes dressed as a 7-2 offsuit. Huh, fitting... One of the rules we have at MNP is that no drugs are allowed. This is obviously not strictly enforced since the amount of Vicodin that flows through the blood streams of our players is astronomical. But Mike has taken it too far as he begins to snort Coke right off the table. Worse, it is Diet Coke. At first, it was funny - but after he snorted and sprayed the Coke all over the table all our players screamed and yelled at him. Mike is then forced to write a sentence describing the subsequent hand he played with Misha shipping almost his entire chip stack. "Misha's nuts were placed squarely on my chin whilst I was choking on his throbbing member." John and Eileen have a little love spat going on that lasts the entire night. Finally John says, "Eileen are you mad at me?" Eileen responds, "listen you fucking prick. If I was mad at you I would deal Jimmy bad cards ALL night.” Oh wait ... uh, never mind. Well, happy halloween everybody - I apologize for giving you all that candy last night to eat - it was Scott’s idea to put in the ex-lax. I hope you are having a great day!

Rusty has a run of bad luck that not only makes him start drinking, but also beating up his imaginary parrot friend, Escobar. Rusty tells us that Escobar is a beautiful parrot with bright green and yellow plumage. Rusty has been bringing him to the poker games for luck lately. Unfortunately for Escobar, Rusty's luck turn so sour that after his trips ran into a flopped boat, and his trips ran into a straight, and his trips ran into a... holy shit. It was painful. All of the sudden he picked up a hockey stick and started smashing it against his shoulder over and over again, then against the floor yelling, "die you fucking parrot, die." Finally he stopped, looked at us and said, "dudes, the parrot had to go." We all looked at him, laughed at him, and then asked him if he wanted to rebuy for a fourth time. Normally, this is a funny thing to ask, but this time maybe we should have just let him ride into the night peacefully. Personally, I never knew how flammable kerosene is, but holy shit - when you throw that shit on someone and light a match - some funny shit can happen. First, Jimmy ran into the side of Greg's boat, then he deflected into a massive pile of old fishing lures with hooks exposed. As he ran by Rusty the hooks grabbed into Rusty's shirt and Jimmy dragged Rusty down the street while on fire and screaming like - well, like he was on fire. Damn, that shit is whack! It didn't help that Greg's explosive ass ripped a fart just as Jimmy flew by and the force of the flames from his ass blew Misha's hair off. While all this was going on Sam was grabbing everyone's chips and putting them in his stack. He is huge and up over 400 duckets. After Rusty leaves, Fabian sits in his spot and gets high pocket pair after high pocket pair - aces, kings, aces, queens - it was crazy. The moral of this story is - don't bring an imaginary parrot to poker. Ship it. Greg out.

Eileen hits quads... literally! We are all pissed at Eileen because she stood up in the middle of the game and punched Rusty right in the mouth. This kind of thing never happens at our game. Violence? No way! We are all dedicated members of the ARMPit party. Anyway, after we are done berating Eileen we watch our internal tapes to determine why this happened and what penalty to give her. It was then we realized that Rusty was trying to get her to bare her breasts to us the whole night! He was relentless and she finally snapped. We don't blame her for punching Rusty and as Rusty is down, she shows us her boobies! She even let us decorate them and take pictures! Here they are [ PIC ]. Misha complains to Greg that he was the focus of attention in last weeks writeup. Greg reveals his secret passion for Misha. Misha never opens his mouth again - only because Greg had recently purchased a new ball gag for his special friend. John arrives in a jovial mood. Wait, I meant homicidal mood. Apparently, his HOA board meeting did not go well. But he still giggles as he ships his money... and then we notice the four bottles of Flexeril and Vicodin nearby. Tom decides it is his turn to take down the table. He crushes, crushes and crushes again. Mostly, Sam is the victim and Sam is desperately trying to get into Tom's stack. Over and over again Tom rivers the better hand. It's all fun and games until the garage door closes. Sam says, "well, people - no one is leaving here until either I get my money back, or someone takes this fucking homeless person Fabian brought over out of my garage. " Alarmed, we all look at our wimpy stacks, then look over at Tom's mountainous stacks. As hard as we try to get Tom to ship it, he is unshippable. He deserves his victory and is now GMPP and the proud owner of a homeless guy named Kelly... wait, um. Never mind.

Holy shit those mosquitos are HUGE. Unfortunately for Misha, it is mosquito mating season in our neck of the woods. They seem to like Russian blood, and they are BIG. As they are carrying Misha away he is yelling, "Son of shit! Let me down you overgrown gnats! Do not stick it in me... ow ow ow!" We now realize that they are not going to eat Misha, but mate with him making a new Russian strain of Mosquitos that are even more dangerous than the American kind - and they have cool accents, too. Misha returns to the table after about two hours looking disheveled, and smoking a big cigar. Immediately Sam puts Misha allin and Misha calls. Sam shows his aces and Misha sheepishly throws up his 7-2off. Misha says, "I was bluffing, nice hand." We all look very confused. Jimmy ships his first buyin to Ray very quickly and then turns around to post a nice win, mostly taking it back from Ray. Greg ships his first buyin very quickly, too but this has the opposite effect. Greg ships buyin after buyin. Greg gets out the staple gun and uses it as a card capper. As Derwin is contemplating a vicious suck-out Greg points the heavy duty, high-powered tool in Derwin's direction. Derwin rethinks his odds and folds. Things begin to get ugly as Eileen shows her kings down for the 17th time. All look at the dealer who says, "Girl Power Rules!" Jimmy responds, "Hey, I am a girl, too! Give me some cards!" Misha finally falls asleep in Greg's bed and we find the perfect way to wake him up - we video taped it, too. [ VIDEO HERE ]. Eileen cleans up the table tonight and is the only player who did not rebuy. She was out of control. She finally decides she is invincible and runs out front to grab Greg's pet skunk who lives in the bushes. Very few times in my life am I actually surprised about something - but seeing Eileen pour gasoline all over herself and lighting it was a first for me... got rid of the smell, though.

Greg gets sucked out so many times that he feels like he should be hearing 70's music in the background and a pizza delivery girl wearing nothing but a g-string and two heart shaped band-aid strips at the door. He finally decides that Mallin has left Rusty's house, raped and pillaged Sam's and is trying to break down the door of Greg's. I have a gun bitch - you better stay away! Sam finally gets out from under the dark cloud of the angry poker God's and pulls out a solid win. He is so happy that he jumps up and down causing part of Greg's roof to fall on Kelly. We all laugh. I have nothing else to say - I am tired and still licking my wounds. Jimmy is the GMPP and he has the biggest quarterly win ever with a plus 1796 duckets. Going to bed. Greg out.

The likes of things we have never seen before are Jimmy absolutely CRUSHING the table from top to bottom. It was almost amazing watching the players fall in his wake. He giggles as each one falls and his stack grows. It grows so big at one point that when he laughed, he snorted and inhaled three green chips. As he is coughing you can see the concern on the other players faces. "Where is the fucking button?" Kelly is yelling. "Oh fuck! I ran into trips again? Ahhhhhhh!" Yells Derwin. Christie decides that while Jimmy is now blue and not moving, this is her chance to steal some chips. Just then the chips flew out of Jimmy's mouth hitting Kelly square in the forehead. Jimmy slaps Christie's hand and says, "you have to earn these chips baby." Her Italian blood now boiling, she picks Rusty up and throws him across the table. Then grabs Jimmy by the scruff and says, "look bitch - if I want those chips I will take those chips." Greg tries to quell the alarming situation by bringing out his 12-guage and opening fire. All scatter and Greg takes all the money and goes home. Tom, nice hand fucker - "I'll be baaaack."

September 11, 2001: My Tribute

Dear Mr. Terrorist:
I hope that just as you are about to shoot your little piece of shit gun you enjoy the feeling of a US sniper bullet ripping your fucking head off. And then I hope you wonder why you are suddenly sitting in Allah's toilet as he is taking a shit on your head. "Allah! Why have you forsaken me?" You will say. "Because you read the book wrong, you dumbshit." Says Allah.

Ah, yes - an email from Zucky:

I am sick.  I never thought I would be calling in sick to a poker game, but here I am.  I have been excreting fluids from nearly all of my orifices.  I believe I have ebola.  I should be dead within the week.  It has been fun playing with you.  In the remote case that I do not die, please continue to send me invites.

Sorry, Zucky

The night starts out innocently enough - that is until it happened. A monster pot climbs to over 600 duckets and four people allin. The cards are turned up - Russ has AA, John has KK, Sam has 55, and Fabian is sucking hind tit with AJ. Oh what a brutal game it is. The flop is painless, the turn puts a dagger in Rusty's heart as a King gives John trip Kings. But Rusty now has the nut flush draw. He misses and picks up Zucky's 10 ounce solid silver card protector and chucks it at John. As John is doing the Naked Chicken Dance (don't even ask) he turns around a tries to moon us at just the wrong moment. In goes Zucky's pride and joy, and out comes the yelp heard around the world. John's yell sounds like, well like someone just shoved 10 ounces of silver up his ass. Good luck selling that at the pawn shop. Three hands later Zucky sucks John out on a nasty two-outter. Then Eileen beats out Jimmy's big pair with a dirty flush. It all went downhill from there. Somewhere in the night a loud blood-curdling scream was heard. Then we realized that it was just Eileen kicking Fabian in the nuts.

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As the evening was winding down we decided to dare Eileen to test the Coke and Mentos theory. She said okay and we were surprised to find out that it is true - that is unfortunate for Eileen though. We also tested the pop-rocks and coke theory on Misha. Again, that is true two - unfortunately for Misha. We are now two players down for next week...

Holy shit - Derwyn is not invincible. We are all shocked to find that Derwyn can be cracked - and cracked he was! Over and over again. He finally gets so tired of losing he calls his friend to ask questions about Debbie Gibson - then he says, "yeah, the gay fucks I play poker with want to know her most popular song." Then, Out of the Blue, he blurts out that we are Staying Together no matter how many times we Play The Field. He then tells me that Only in my Dreams could I be a better poker player than he is. I take the opportunity to give him a Foolish Beat on the next hand and he becomes Red Hot. I am happy just knowing that no matter what happens I am going to Wake up to Love. He reads Between the Lines and decides to play the part of a Fallen Angel and tells Kelly, "I am Lost in Your Eyes.

Sam comes back after quitting poker forever and ever - he said he is done playing. But alas, his absence lasted only one week. He returns, and well - we have heard nothing from him as of yet, but my guess is that he may actually be thinking of very bad things.

So, there is this huge hullaballo about the Wilson Bridge being blown up and we decide to watch it. That was the dumbest fucking thing I have ever seen. We were expecting some kind of action - I mean, maybe telling a few homeless people that it is safe to sleep there, or maybe tying it in with some public executions, or even telling Marion Barry that there is some crack hidden in the explosives just before they blow it up. There were some big opportunities missed here and I will be writing a very wordy letter to my Congressman. [ archived writeups ]

No writeup - ship it.

The night started out with John yelling at us all, "would you shut the fuck up? You are all so loud!" We all just stared at him. Bewildered, Jimmy poked fun - "uh, John... I think your Miracle Ear is turned up too loud." John snaps and takes the bug zapper to Misha's nipples. We all cringe at the site of mangled, charred nipple, but figure that after the flop comes out 10 10 6 and Misha bets big into Greg's quad 10s - missing a nipple is nothing. Greg flops quads and gets Misha to ship a good percentage of his stack - but later in the night Jimmy takes the rest of his stack on set over set. Misha, being good natured, says "wow, Jimmy. That was good hand. But now I really stick it in you." He brings out a plastic light sabre and turns on the pink light. Jimmy looked intimidated at first, but called Misha's bluff. Realizing it was actually Christie's super deluxe X-500 super ribbed, super rough rider vibrator Jimmy grabs it and throws it outside leaving an ominous pink glow in the yard. Shortly after that Kelly kindly excused himself and was not to be seen for the rest of the evening. Just before Kelly left John makes a bet big enough to put Kelly all in. John says, "oh fuck it Kelly. You don't have a damn job anyway." John was feeling good after that and then took a stab at Christie. He beats her out with trip 5s over her two pair AAKK and she retorts, "hon, you suck!" Eileen brings out her bag of high octane goodies and we all maul the sugary shit until it is all gone. Just as we are all on a massive sugar high Rusty places a fake rat behind Eileen. Trust me, you have not lived until you see how Eileen reacts to a potential rodent sneaking up behind her... three of the the seven guys there (Kelly not included) became sterile after the shrill shreak she left out and Jimmy's drink went flying about 5 yards onto the table. It was well worth the price of admission - SHIP IT.

From the Clouds Above Poker Mountain


Mallyn, the Poker Goddess: "So, let's see the MNP stats here....Sam shipped it and went on tilt, Kelly did well, Rusty did.....WHOA. PLUS 400??? JESUS!!"
Jesus Christ: "Yes?"
Mallyn: "Oh-nothing. My bad."
Jesus Christ: "I'm not a Lifeline button, you nappy whore..."
Mallyn: "Tehee! Where is Tehee, Clueless Blonde Lackey to the goddess?"
Tehee: "Yes, my Goddess?"
Mallyn: "What the hell? How did the Chosen One win despite our curse? Don't you remember? I caught you two fooling around on the Hallowed White Couch, I made him leave, and when he did he dragged his naked butt on my couch, leaving a skidmark. Thus we put a curse on him."
Tehee: "Well, I found a map in my mailbox..."
Mallyn: "A map."
Tehee: "It said it led to the Golden Dildo!!! Tee heee."
Mallyn: "Give it here. Hmm. Um, Tehee? Dumbass? This map leads to a liquor store, then to Rusty's house."

Tehee blushes

Mallyn:"You slept with him, didn't you. I knew it.That's how he broke the curse. That explains it...Now who do we curse? How about....someone feminine this time! Christie, maybe? Eileen? Kelly? Jason? Mwaaaa hahahahaha"

Happy birthday Jimmy P! Another birthday passes as our crew realizes we are getting older and older. The usual ritual begins with Jimmy bending over the table and each player having their shot at him. Christie gives him some cute little smacks on the butt. Jason is repulsed by the hanger left after the last Chipotle dump. Kelly loses his fucking mind and brings out the bug zapper and starts relentlessly zapping Jimmy's buttox. Infuriated, Tom grabs the bug zapper and smacks Rusty in the head - somehow the electric metal strips stick to his face and the machine won't turn off. The smoke from Rusty's face sets off the fire alarm. Sam, realizing he has not has his shot at Jimmy, mounts him like nobodys business. "squeal boy, squeal like a pig" was heard through the night and Jimmy decided he was never having a birthday again - after what we witnessed, we were not sure he would be able to have another one. . Rusty gets hit by the river so many times he finally decides having the bug zapper on his face is distracting - as well as bad luck. Greg ships his whole stack on his first hand of the night to Jason's flopped nuts to Greg's turned trips. Greg, in anger, tries to kick Jason in the knee as hard as he can under the table - unfortunately, he ends up kicking John in the nuts which miraculously not only fixes his fucked up back, but it gives him cards as well - John takes down the table at plus 400! Christie also has a big win. Sam decides the standard preflop bet must be at least 478 times the big blind. This made it difficult to limp in. Sam ships a ton, wins it back, ships it again, wins it back, ships it again, wins it back again, and finally ships 129 duckets.

A recap of last night's ultimate anal probing:
written by Kelly (which explains a lot)

THE RETURN OF DERWIN
Derwin returned to the table where he had once before raped and pillaged the Monday Night group. Again, it was a scene of utter destruction. He was both the "irrestistible force" and the "immovable object" To get between him and the pots was as dangerous as getting between Misha and a freshly opened bottle of Stoli, or to try and keep Russ from his computer after word spreads that there are new naked photos of Greg posted, or of expecting a kind word from John, or...well, you get the picture...and if you don't, then YOU ARE the complete moron we all think you are.

Derwin could do no wrong. Play shitty cards, make the best hand. Play good cards, make the best hand. He racked up victim after victim. He hit 2 outers, he won and didn't even realize it.

Oh, there were some minor victories. Russ may have won a couple of hands against him. Christie and Fabian may have won one apiece but for the most part, if he went as far as the turn, he may have only lost 6 hands all night. I even tried dealing him only one card several times and he still won. It was a night we all want to forget.

And to think that all of this was going on while Sam, Greg and Jimmy were enjoying a week of fishing in Canada, eh? Apparently, they picked the right week to be out of town.

There are some tired people this morning trying to work - but only the ones who did not SHIP IT! Fabian goes allin with his nickname hand - the Fabian (Ace-Two off) and gets called by Misha's J10 hearts. Flop is slowly put out to read; Ah, Kh, Qh. Not only does he flop the Mac-Daddy nuts - it flops in order! We all erupt into celebration jumping and yelling and grabbing Christie's boobs. Someone grabbed my moobs, but I didn't say anything because it was kinda fun. Offended by all this hooplah, Fabian picks up John's cigarettes and douses them in gasoline. Unfortunately, Zucky - who is an attorney, picks them up and takes one out. As he lights the stick he exclaims, "wow, Fabian - that is gonna cost you about $1.8 million on the standard 'attempt to kill the pig-farmers husband' scale." Shortly thereafter, Zucky's nose finally fell off and we were relieved not to have to look at that gnarley mass of flesh anymore. John walks outside to pee and the number of bugs that come into the poker room is astronomical. We did not see John again for the rest of the night. We saw something running around outside yelling and screaming but just thought it was one of the neighbors kids dressed up as a skeleton trying to scare us. Oh yeah! Happy Birthday to Rusty J! He gets a cake and we sing to him - Greg keeps trying to spank him but everyone finally holds him down long enough that he passes out. Zucky, talking kind of funny now with no nose, keeps complaining about how his wife put his visor on his bed and that this was bad luck. We all look at him funny and berate him accordingly. He finally gets tired of our comments and takes off what is left of his right ear and chucks it at Eileen. Eileen starts yelling at him for being so disrespectful, but then realizes he can't hear anyway. On the very next hand, Misha raises, Rusty's reraises, and Zucky's left eye falls out. Taking this as a sign Jimmy P goes allin. All fold to his massive reraise. Jimmy takes Zucky's eyeball, too - if it's in the pot, I win he says.

The night started out relatively harmelessly with Greg taking most of Eileen's stack in one hand. The steam coming from her head after that hand was so intense Misha took off his shirt and began to reach for his pants. Christie, seeing what was happening, grabbed Sam's tree trimmer and said, "don't you do it boy!" Just then Eileen screeched loud enough to make Fabian and Rusty sterile. We realized there was a large beetle hanging from the ceiling. Rusty, knowing Greg's taste for bugs, offers 20 duckets for him to eat it - Greg retorts he will munch it for 200... Misha exclaims, "I will have sex with it for 200 duckets!" We all look at him awkwardly and the game started up again. For the first time ever Greg goes on tilt - super mega tilt. He loses his shit after being beat by Fabian playing a "marginal" hand for the preflop raise. Greg wigs out and begins berating him in front of everyone. It started to feel real good and he then went around the table taking shots at everyone... finally someone had to stop the madness, Fabian crushes Greg on another big hand and not so much as a peep was heard from Greg for quite awhile. There was a tie for the weekly Chip Redistribution Expert as Sam and Fabian both magically made their big stacks disappear into the night. John quits playing poker forever. He means it this time. He actually told us that if he was ever seen playing poker again that we have his permission to put his boat in the water without the drain plug in - oh wait - nevermind. Sam's infamous reads on Rusty finally make Rusty snap - he throws in his whole stack and yells, "fuckin' bitch - read me now - come on - call me!" Sam calmly says, "Rusty, I know what you have - you can't fool me - when you put all your chips in you ha...." Right in mid-sentence three members of the Taliban came in and grabbed Sam by the nose hair. You haven't lived until you have heard a 285 pound man squeal like a girl...

Woo hoo! Happy 4th of July - we can play all night - Greg is psyched to play till the wee morning hours. Holy Ship it! Greg ships and ships and ships some more... then he finally realizes that things are just not going to go his way tonight. At 10pm, he gets up and screams at the top of his lungs to the poker Gods, "Why have you forsaken me? Why? Why? I do nothing but good things in this world. I help old ladies across the street (for a small fee), I give money to the poor and weary (for a tax writeoff), I would never cheat on my wife (ok, aside from the little thing with Shakira, but Rusty dared me), I don't even fucking swear! Where have I gone wrong? Was it the hamsters my cat ate when I was 6? Was it the time I stole a peek under Patsy's skirt when I was 10? Was it the time I crammed a load of horseshit in Rusty's mailbox (er, wait- never mind). I give up! I give up! Stop the bleeding"... as the guys finally got the straight jacket on Greg and stuffed him in his car and put it in gear, they got back to their game. I don't really know what happened after that, but I did get a note from Tom when he returned my chips this morning that read: "Dear Greg. This is a stupid fucking game. I hate everyone." That could only mean one thing. Tom lost his Chip Redistribution Expert title to Jimmy P who had about 500 duckets in front of him at one point, then proceeded to ship it all and more. Sam gets sucked out hard by Jason and decides to take it out on anyone who came within one foot of him - he regains his chips and ends up in the plus. No one is happier than Kelly to see Greg ship it, and Kelly proceeded to rack up enough chips to become the first GMPP of the new quarter. Misha actually gets so angry he begins talking in tongue - we thought it was Russian at first, but when the lightning storm began in Rusty's basement we knew he was up to no good. He shipped it.

Greg ships his first buyin so fast that Rusty lets out an involuntary belly laugh. This perturbs Greg, but with his years of maturity and calm disposition he decides not to retaliate - at least not directly. Greg's pet skunk from two weeks ago just happened to meander into Rusty's van, and the doors just happened to get jammed, and his ex-girlfriend Julie T. just happened to be in there, and there just happened to be a loaded shotgun on the dash. We all heard the blast, but we have to wait till next week to find out the answer to our question. Sam is completely out of control - he wins the GMPP for this quarter without so much as a sniff at second place. After Greg quickly ships his first buyin and is allin for his second buyin against Kelly who is dominating the hand - he sucks out hard! Kelly is not amused and does his best Chris Ferguson imitation with the cards aiming for Greg's jugular vein. The first cards missed and clipped off Fabian's nipple. The second one shaved a nosehair, bounced off of one of Sam's fishing plaques and hit Misha's stack of chips. It knocked all three chips over. He finally gave up and knocked Greg's chips over with his hand. Greg began farting uncontrollably. This was all fun and games until he finally shat himself. But in a twist of unfortunate fate, he was wearing John's purple thong underwear. Christie, in a fit of rage, finally takes out her anger over some bad beats that Greg has been giving her and wings a chair at him. He ducks and the chair smacks Eileen. Just then the lights went out from the storm. We all freeze and grab our chips, but hear a strange sound coming from under the table and Greg G. asks, "is there any other reason to have porn but to jerk-off?" We don't look under the table...

"All brace for Mule Tilt," Rusty exclaims as Sam misses a bet and loses a huge pot to Christie. Sam goes in for 400 duckets and pulls out a very nice comeback to only be down by 84 in the end. Misha and Eileen have some funky voodoo thing going on, however they must have missed the last class on how to direct their powers because all night these things were dying mid-flight right above them and falling down on top of them. It was funny until one of them happened to be a 777 AirBus Passenger Jet. We redistributed their chips accordingly. Rusty declares prior to the game, "Mallyn, you better not fuck around tonight or I will bend you over my knee young lady!" He posts his first win in quite awhile, however there was one brutal suckout towards the end that damaged his stack immensely. To our misfortune he decides to spank Fabian bare-ass right in front of all of us - one of those things we did NOT need to see. Christie becomes so angry at Greg that she reaches over to give him a titty twister - unfortunately her Italian anger took over and she ripped his left nipple off. Writhing in pain, he gets up and throws one of John's used tampons at her - in the melee Rusty barfs up his Sushi dinner including the two live baby squids he ate. As the two squids cruised around the table we all calmed down watching the amazing little critters. John, being the animal lover he is, gently picked them up and said he would drive them to the ocean. Unfortunately for him mommy squid was waiting outside for her babies and ripped him into about 27 pieces - one piece for each ducket he shipped. It was a close call between Rusty and Eileen but I think Eileen wins the CRE title for the night - Tom happily relinquishes it, however he tries to battle with Sam a few times and ends up shipping one metrosexual shirt, and one eyelash groomer tool.

God, please understand that I am just the reporter on this one and please don't take out your wrath on my cards:

So I wheeled in there and went to the altar, right? I’m like, “Hi God, it’s Russ”
“Hi my son.” He said.
“I need a favor”.
“I know, I’m still working on the Shakira/pizza delivery thing, I...”
“No, not that-“
“...and the enlargement of-“
”NOT THAT EITHER!!- sorry, I didn't mean to shout.”
“Jesus, dude. Relax. God damn.”
“I need to speak to the Poker Goddess, Mallyn”
“Oh. OK, here she is.”
(Mallyn) “Hi Daddy!”
“Don’t Hi Daddy me, bitch...Running into flopped straights? Pocket Aces once in four weeks? Hours of unplayable cards??”
“Unplayable? But I blessed you with creativity...”
“ Jack deuce? Eight three? That’s a joke! Not to mention my full house running into Christie’s four queens!!”
“Sorry- Pizer bitched at me for that too. Helping out the chicks here. I blessed you with a Spidey Sense though...”
“Yeah, well when it keeps saying Fold NOW it does a lot of good...”
“Monday. Monday your epic streak of winning will begin. Just drink the wine from the pastor’s cup”
So I did. As you all know, alcohol makes me want a smoke. So I lit up. The pastor’s like, “Take it outside!” (very un-Jesus like in my opinion). So I left. Fortunately the church had ashtrays at the door with water in them.

So my neighbors son came up to me today and said, "what does fuck mean?" I said, "um, why would you ask me that?" He said, "because there was some dude that kept running out of your garage last night yelling it over and over again." I said, "ohhhhh, that was John. He has turretts syndrome - you should see what happens when he walks away from the table after he has just shipped almost his whole stack to Sam by having his trips outkicked. Now THAT is when you will learn some new vocabulary words. By the way, do me a favor kid - go ask your mom these questions. I ain't your parent." Poor kid got the shit beat out of him, oops. At midnight, the date became 06/06/06, and Christie hit trip sixes on the board, Tom has shipped 666 duckets, and Rusty realized he had thought about having sex with Kelly 666 times since he sat down. We all thought it was coincidence. That is, until it happened. Sam after winning another HUGE pot, seemingly possessed, jumped up and started dancing to "I will survive." Unfortunately for us, we caught it on video [SEE VIDEO HERE]. Rusty gets sucked out and beaten up so bad that Kelly feels bad for him and tries to cheer him up[SEE THE VIDEO]. Well I have no reason to put this video here but THIS IS A MUST WATCH VIDEO. WOW! WOW! Eileen has a championship night and just beats the shit out of everyone who tries to stand in her way. Tom, realizing his addiction was getting out of control, decided it would be best to cut both his arms off and poke his eyes out. Now he has a dog with him to look at his cards and read out the board. Fabian was getting very restless - after not having played for awhile he decided it was time to get silly. And silly he got - however his shipping was kept to a minimum. By the way - do not slowplay a flopped king high flush - you will ship it on the river.

Did anyone get the memo about the freight train coming through my garage and crushing everyone? Sam decided that after some healthy shipping last week he would take all his money back and more - even though we were not the ones who took it in the first place. He hits flops like a drunk man hits his wife. Only he is not nice enough to have angry drunk sex with us after we passed out. What do you do when you flop second nuts full house against an all in and one other player? YOU SHIP IT TO QUADS! Tom has QQ and the flop comes out Q99. He goes allin and Eileen calls and throws up her quads. Tom just throws up on the table. Christie was the one who went all in and is realizing how bad she shipped it. She says, "Eileen good hand - I am going to kick your ass later." John ships his first buyin and leaves to go outside for five minutes to cool off. He comes back in and makes his duckets back but my cat still is not walking the same. Christie loses her chips and decides to try an experiment. We all watch in horror as she tries to dispel the myth about Pepsi and Mentos - however we recorded it anyway. See the video here: WATCH VIDEO. Rusty, being the addict he is, came to play poker with a fever - Greg got him a bucket of ice water and a cloth and he was cooling himself off all night. At one point he decided it would be funny to pour some ice water on Kelly just as Kelly shipped his second buyin. Not feeling very jolly at the time, Kelly wraps the cloth around Rusty's neck and squeezes it so hard his left eyeball shot across the table and flew down Misha's throat. Misha quickly drank some water to wash it down but accidentally drank the glass of Ipecac that Greg had set down for Sam. No words can describe what happened next, but I have no idea how Greg is going to explain to his kids that one of his poker friends drank the water his tadpoles were in and swallowed them. I guess Misha does swallow - good to know. 5/22/06

First off - thanks to those who contributed to the pot after somehow the banker - also known as me - screwed up the pot and we were short 100 duckets. I thought everyone put in their buyins, but if you forgot lemme know. I have no idea what happened. Second - welcome to the game Derwin. We have new blood come to the table and not only does he pick up a win but he practically has every fucking chip at the table. By the end of the night we realize that he has actually hypnotized us and while we were zoned out he was grabbing our chips - however, what he didn't know is that the Greg cannot get hypnotized - thus, the reason Rusty was sucking Tom's dick, and Fabian was pinching his nipples saying "where is the milk? dammit - I know you are in there!" Just as Greg was about to make John strip down to his under-roos Derwin snapped his fingers waking everyone up. I will admit it was awkward at first, but no one seemed surprised at Rusty and Tom so Christie tried her best to deal while watching them. Jimmy P, the long-standing GMPP: shipped it. Sam ships so much money to Derwin that we decide it would be fun to video tape him leaving the game [see video here]. By the end of the night, Jim has passed out in the corner and we decide to wake him up [see video here]. Greg is all over the map - up down up down up down - then down down down. And at the end of the night he triples up and miraculously squeaks out a win. Eileen is way up early and then tries her damndest to take the Chip Redistribution Expert title from Tom. She fails, but she does get a few good head punches in on Rusty when he wasn't looking. Tom is super CRE, while Jimmy stays GMPP, and Greg is now ASS. Greg takes one final look around the table and thinks - why the hell do we come each week and beat the shit out of each other for seven hours... stupid, stupid game.

Greg states the rules for his house in a "friendly reminder" email to everyone before the game. All fear his wrath and no one is mean to him so they stay till 2am... and Greg pulls out a plus. Thanks guys - you are such great pals. There are four kinds of hands in this game - each to be defined: 1) the creative hand; this is when Kelly becomes desperate and decides to play his A-9off on the hopes that he hits trips on the flop - oh look! Sam ships it. The fun hand; this is when Rusty is either way up or way down and he is simply enjoying himself at the felt - he calls a huge preflop bet because either, "I have position" or "I like this hand" or "I have odds" or "I just wanna suck out Sam." The silly hand; this usually happens at the end of the night when everyone is limping in hoping to hit the monster and then the flop comes out 4-4-2 against your limped Kings... ship it. The I am gonna kill your whole fucking family tree hand is when you have KK and raise 10 times the big blind preflop and get one caller. The flop comes out A76 and you lose to someone's A2off hole cards. So Rusty and Sam are considering starring in a new movie called Brokeback Poker - they banter at each other all night with Rusty's nickname being "Queen" and Sam's being "Princess." Funny that I saw Sam's truck in front of Rusty's house this morning - I guess Rusty needed some help with his plumbing. Congrats to Eileen who is the big winner of the night after telling Rusty, "I am done with you - you are gonna pay." And pay he does. So as we are sitting there making idle chat Eileen bursts out, "it's only sticky at the end!" We are all speechless as she asks, "um, did I say that out loud?" Finally Greg asks Misha to babysit his kid for a few hours but Greg decides to put in a mini-cam to make sure Misha is being good - here is an excerpt [ VIDEO HERE ].

Here's the thing, we started out friends. It was cool, it was all pretend. Yeah, yeah - since you been gone. What a great game - you can quote a Kelly Clarkson song while thinking two completely opposite things. One, "man, I would like to jump her" and two, "I really don't like you guys - you simply come here and take my money." Last night showed that in fact, Rusty and Greg are the worst poker players on the planet and that Misha, given the chance, will get sucked out on the river every time. It also showed that when Greg has aces he should just fold. And, it showed that at any time there is a 7 on the board - especially the 7 of diamonds, you should raise. Finally, it showed our love for each other. The true brotherhood we share at the felt. You are all my enemies. You are mean to me - you laugh at me when you take my money and [Kelly] you glare at me when I take yours. Sam and Jim have nights that Greg has only dreamed of, plus 425 and 449 respectively. Silly, silly. It is now officially known that Greg gets the worst cards on a consistent basis more than anyone on the entire planet. Why do I play, you might ask? I ask myself, too. I have become bitter and this is my own personal area for anger management. So, I say "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU!" Damn shit ass fuck stupid game. So, anyway - if your name was not Greg, Russ, Misha, or Christie it was a fun night. Sam becomes the river suckout king and pummels everyone on the river. Jimmy becomes the 7 king having pocket 7s so many times we lost count, and hitting trips with them at least twice (once against my aces). At one point during the night a large insect landed on John's back and Rusty quickly smacks the shit out of it with a metal pipe. At another point, Greg takes that same metal pipe and cracks himself over the head with it. His cards do not change and he is still an angry, bitter man (can you tell?).

What the? I got so used to keeping a minus next to Rusty's name it startled me to see he was PLUS 283, and not minus 283. Good job Rusty... after a brutal nut flush suckout against Sam and a trips over trips situation against Greg and some other good plays - also known as "well, I played shit and it hit" - Rusty gets himself out of the toilet. On the other hand, John quits playing during the game four times - one time yelling "Fucking cash me out! Fuck this game - I hate all of you assholes..." and he grumbled on into the night. Oh yeah, Misha got married. Since that is more than he said about it to us, that is all I will say about it. The first hand of the night Greg thought it was FINALLY going to be his night to be unstoppable. He doubles up and takes Tom's whole stack on the very first hand. Not only does he take all of Tom's money, but he takes his coveted title of Chip Redistribution Expert as well. Stupid, stupid game. Somehow the conversation turned to the use of vibrators and we learned some very interesting things about the people at our game. Christie and Eileen both chimed in with their differing thoughts - then out of nowhere Misha says, "you haven't lived until you have tried the Ultra 2000 Variable Speed X-250. It has just the right - um, wait. Never mind." We are all looking at Misha with quizzical looks as he stammers into a "I raise" situation to change the subject. Christie brought some of the best damn brownies we have all ever eaten. We plowed through them like no one's business. Suddenly, Tom starts choking. We all look at him because we know that as long as he is making noise he will be okay. He finally stops breathing and we jump over the table to lay claim to his chips. Zucky comes to play and uses a 10 ounce solid silver card protector. We all marvel at his manly chunk of metal. It must be broken because he shipped it.

I was not available to play in this most bizarre game - well, the truth is that everyone hates me. I began getting this feeling a few weeks ago, but after some sleuthing into Rusty's underwear drawer and pilfering through his gay porn, I found a note to Kelly that read, "Kelly - I don't like Greg anymore. But, will you stay over tonight and do me?" So after I read that I knew it was over. But, alas, here is the writeup anyway as told by Rusty. The night started innocently enough. The regulars were there except Greg and Jimbo who were with their families and Misha who was drunk under a coffee table somewhere. Something, though, was off about Sam. Off as in, a look on his face of a man teetering on the brink, a man one suckout away from being written up in the Post in an article ending in "...and then he turned the gun on himself." And then it happened. The Tigress rivers a King and Sam snaps. "I'm done", he said. "No more poker." What??? Is it true??? One of the original four is leaving to work on fishing and his tan? Unthinkable. Stay tuned... Other than that it was the usual shit - Eileen stalked Russ , flaunting her huge crush on him (Kelly's crush on Russ is more discreet) Tom P. and Fabian gabbed about Oprah, purses and making the perfect Cosmo, John showed a neat trick- jamming a twinkie in his ass and spitting out creme filling. So then I sit there and think to myself. These are the people I hang out with. What a bunch of strange birds. Speaking of that, if they were birds what would they be. Rusty would be a Turkey Vulture, Misha would be a Grouse, Jimmy would be a Penguin, John would be a Yellow-headed Blackbird, Greg would be an Eagle, Kelly would be a Swallow, Eileen would be a Pine Marten, Christie would be a Tufted Titmouse, and Sam would be a big fucking bird.

"Well, Mr. Tom. We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that when you hit the pothole yesterday all you did was damage your rim. The bad news is that when we took it for a test drive the mechanic totalled your Spyder," were the words Tom heard on a happy Monday morning (before | after). With his kick-ass car totalled, he comes to the table ready to fight. And fight he did not. He ships his last bit of insurance money and pees on Greg's newly mulched lawn on the way home... The game goes downhill quickly as a game of "who would you do?" breaks out and will not die. Once someone mentions a choice of either Screech or Horshack everything returns to normal. Ocassionally someone flops the nuts and gets paid, however for the first time EVER at MNP someone flops a ROYAL FLUSH WITH CHEESE (picture coming soon) and gets paid by Jimmy's two pair. Fabian had Q 10 hearts - flop comes out AKJ hearts - ship it. Misha is on fire early and is crushing everyone - his stack is HUGE and he is relentless... right up until his KK runs into AA. Ouch - this brings him down to earth again and the happy go-lucky Misha we know and love became the "why do I fucking even play this stupid game" Misha we really know and love. He ends up 41 for the night after shipping a HUGE stack from early wins. He decides to take his BMW to the same shop Tom uses. Jason shows up to play in Rusty's spot until he shows up - he has some weird ESP thing going as he calls the nuts THREE times and hits each time. Then Rusty showed up and still has issues with keeping the little chips in front of him. I fear when his unlucky streak turns around. Fear... fear. Greg sends out of the invite and forgets to invite Eileen. Now, we have never seen her boyfriend and we still haven't since he used a long distance sniper rifle to "warn" Greg with a tick of his nose not to forget her again.

What a great game... Greg has such a stellar night that he asks to be pinched to make sure he is awake. After about two hours he asks for a much different way to make sure this is really happening (see video here). It works and after Greg gets out of the hospital he feels much better. Stupid, stupid game. Greg takes beat after brutal beat and finally decides to quit playing and play with his fishing equipment. I never knew a hook could actually disembowel someone but apparently it can (read article here). Misha gets so tired of having his raises re-raised he brings out a bottle of Russian Vodka. He disappears for the night but as we are watching the news the next day we find where he went! (see video here). Sam makes for his return to the poker world and takes home the GMPP slot for the night - funny how walking in and placing a .38 snub nose handgun in front of you can make things go your way for the night. Rusty, on the other hand, gets beat by full house after full house. He finally decides he has had enough and cracks Tom in the side of the head with his cell phone. On the very next hand John and Misha flop the nuts against Tom who flops trips. Everyone goes allin and Tom spikes a 3 to give him a full house and a 400 ducket pot. He squealed like a little girl when he won which kinda turned Kelly on - they borrow Misha's gay pride sweatshirt and head off into the night together. At this point there are only about 5 people left since everyone had been dropping like flies. John and Fabian decide to draw for high card for their stacks - about 300 duckets on a draw. Fabian notices that John dealt his ace from the bottom and completely freaks out. He grabs Christie's brownies and stuffs them in John's ears. John works on his resume and gets a new dream job - which only last's one night (see video here). The game ends with some happy, some sad, and some ready to take Greg's outboard and throw it on the table to break it in half.

Um, Tom - would you please like to leave some morsels for other people to take home? Tom cleans up the table like a Remora stuck to the bottom of a Great White. He leaves some scraps for Misha, Greg, Jim and Jason to clean up, but the man was acting like his wife told him she would give him one of his nut sacks back if he could win more than 400 duckets in one night. He succeeds by 20 duckets, and goes home feeling like half the man he used to be and grabs that nut out of that jar from his wife's dresser. Rusty ships his money faster than Misha folding 72off to a 25 ducket preflop raise. But, he rebuys and rebuys and rebuys and finally starts winning some pots to leave down a respectable 156 duckets. Fabian starts this quarter off a ton better than he did last quarter - hell, he is already miles ahead of last quarter and he didn't even play last night! John starts out with big stacks in front of him and a lizard wearing rainbow sunglasses - he ships it and says, "fuck this Christie - I hate these assholes. Let's leave. Better yet, let me get out my small does of anthrax I borrowed from work and lightly rub it on the cards." His mistake proved to be painful as he realized he accidentally brought out his secret stash of steriods making everybody at the table HUGE. Realizing what he had done he challenged Mike Z. to a pillow fight and OUCH. Well, just watch the video. After seeing John wimpering on the floor, and then having her aces lose to 2-pair, Eileen feels like she is taking a gun to a tank fight [ video here ]. Jimmy becomes bored and is found in the corner of the room - um, exploring himself [ video here ]. The final straw of the night came when Mike Z. decided it was time to bluff - he makes some monster bets against Greg's lowly stack. Greg ponders and catches top pair with a flush draw and calls. He hits the flush but since Mike inadvertently gave his hand away early on it boogered Greg up because now he thought Mike Z. hit the nut flush. Greg calls Mike Z.'s allin - and Mike Z. shows the bluff to Greg's second nuts (um, yeah). Greg goes from the outhouse to the penthouse in one hand and Mike Z. has no house to go home to.

Kelly is wimpering in the corner after realizing that he lost the GMPP for this quarter to Jimmy P because he missed too many games. His sobbing is somewhat distracting, but actually motivates John to beat the living crap out of all of us. He decides that it would be good luck for him to shave his lizard before he comes to play and now he has the whole table thinking the same. For the first five hours he could do no wrong - he hit every flop and took down player after player amassing a massive stack - but the game lasted seven hours. I don't know how because it was not one hand in particular but he seemed to have shipped much of his stack by the end of the night. I watched as his lizard tells John to move closer so he could whisper something in his ear. As John stoops down the lizard brings out a metal pipe and breaks it over John's head berating him for losing all the money. John, in turn, takes Greg's G-Loomis GLX and beats the shit out of the lizard. We all watch humored at the fact that this is a plastic lizard. But we won't tell John. Sam goes in for three rebuys and borrows 15 duckets from Greg - (see video here) - after John hits a set against his allin Sam says, "I knew you had trips, but I just wanted to give you some more money. Now give it back before I shove Kelly's son up your ass." John laughs and says, "you could stuff Kelly and Kelly's son up my ass and I would not give you the money back." Um, I don't think anyone will challenge Sam to something like that again. And it looks like one of our regulars may not be back for awhile. Finally, John's lizard has has enough of his taunting and decides to fight back - here is a video of John and his pet lizard (see video here).

There must be something in the air - something that is contagious - something that just spontaneously makes you throw your chips in the middle of the table and say, "cash me out!" Last night was Sam's turn after repeated smack-downs by Rusty's hands. He takes it very well and only loosens the wheels on Rusty's van a little. This way it will take a week or so before they actually fall off, giving Rusty another week to ship the money back to Sam. Misha exclaims, "Dammit Greg - I am never sitting next to you again. I get the worst damn cards ever when I am near you - plus you smell!" Greg, trying not to be offended, weeped in silence. His weeping was over the fact that he had just bought Misha a friendship ring. He was going to officially ask Misha last night, but Misha's harsh words made him change his plan slightly. Instead he decides to take one of Sam's tire irons and gently crack him over the head, just enough to get his attention. I guess it worked, however the Med-Evac helicopter did have some issues landing in Sam's court - funny how a boat cover tangled in helicopter props can make such a mess. Fabian hangs on to 100 duckets for a world record amount of time before shipping it at about 1am on a call that he laters says, "wow, that was a fucking idiot call - I think I am going to go try to put out the fires and maybe rescue some of the people from that bizarre helicopter crash out front." Tom steals almost all of Greg's chips early on and then adds another title to his poker resume, Chip Redistribution Expert. Somehow, he pulls out an exact even on the night. Greg, on the other hand, ships a quick 200 duckets and somehow battles his way back to almost even.

SWEET! It's Ladies' Night! Women Rule! We