THE YAGY INTERVIEW (posted 2/10/04, file04.02)
No part of this interview may be reproduced in any way. Any illegal reproduction will result in Yagy pissing in Tom's radiator only to realize that tom had just finished jump starting his car -- drip -- BrrrrrrZZZZZAPPPPPP!!!!!
MNP: What were you thinking when you first came to play poker with us on
your first night and the directions said "you will now feel like you are
in a scene from deliverance"?
Answer: I thought about how lucky I am to have a full set of teeth and good breath on a daily basis. I thought, 'Ya know Frank you've got it OK'. I felt good about myself. Life was good. I was happy. Then I felt bad about myself when I hit 2 deer, 3 skunks, 14 possum and had a near miss with a local farmer streaking 1/4 mile before Rusty's house. Life was not so good anymore. I am not happy. I am in a bad place now.
MNP: How did you feel on your second night of playing poker with us and you lost $174.50 in one pot.. And had to go to the ATM while leaving your roommate with us for collateral?
Answer: I felt relieved after I urinated on Jimbo's radiator before I returned, I know that much.
MNP: Why did you steal Mark's jacket? And where did you put it?
Answer: I cannot answer that question due to the fact that it may incriminate me. I know my rights and I'm not afraid to use 'em. ("No person... shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself"). You like that shit huh - what now huh, WHAT?
MNP: The first time you ever met Doug, what were your thoughts?
Answer: I thought about how I needed a shower after he attacked the party mix, in the process bathing me with pretzel and chip debris...Oh, and slobber too. I thought about how the guy plays every hand in Hold Em, and yet still goes home without losing his shirt or his car, so far. I thought about drugs and the long term effects of them. I thought about shotguns and shootouts, chainsaws and hefty bags, and moving to Mexico under an assumed name. I think of a lot of things when it comes to Doug, but mostly everything somehow ties into his untimely death under questionable circumstances and my
invoking my rights under cross examination. Remember, I know my rights.
MNP: There comes a time in most men's life when one realizes that they have homosexual tendencies. When did you realize you were gay? And how did you select Mark as your roommate?
Answer: I realized I was gay the second night of MNP. I had just finished urinating on Jimbo's radiator when I came downstairs to rejoin the game. I sat down and Rusty put his hand on my thigh and rubbed me gently, telling me 'it was
ok'... After that I knew that I owed Rusty my life, and my ass virginity, for opening my eyes to what I really am. Mark is just a man toy that I rent out to the locals so I can continue to support my high priced crack addiction and help pay the rent. Oh and car parts, his sweet ass helps pay for car parts too.
MNP: Speaking of Mark, on the nights that Mark spanks you into submission on the poker table and you end up losing all your money to him, what happens when you get home?
Answer: Well I think you and I both know that this question is pure horseshit, as I
have never been spanked by Mark at a poker table, or otherwise for that
matter. He has, however, been spanked regularly and continually until I
have all of his money at MNP. When we get home he hides upstairs and won't
talk to me. It's a good thing really. Can we stop talking about Mark now
you ass thirsty fag magnet?!? What do you wanna feel his leg or something?
It'll cost ya...
MNP: You seem to love Texas Hold 'Em. Can you explain in detail how you came to love this game?
Answer: The travel channel and good friends have helped me see the light (not the gay light as implied in question #5, the other light) and I have been hooked ever since. Games throughout the week, monthly tournaments and trips to AC
are regular occurences. Why you ask? Because as Canada Bill Jones said, "It's immoral to let a sucker keep his money."
More stuff than you ever want to know about our newest regular, Mr. Yagy:
I am 5'10" weighing in at 205 hailing from the streets of New York. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in
the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my backyard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. I've played the best and I've beaten the best... My name is Yagy.
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