THE FRANK INTERVIEW (posted 10/15/03, file03.03)
No part of this interview may be reproduced in any way. Any illegal reproduction will result in... what? The phantom computer is where? Oh shit -- RUN! RUN! Run for your lives! It's back.... ahhhhhhhhhh. Um, Doug, the game is 27/32. Ok, thanks.
MNP: Frank, congratulations on the birth of your 2nd daughter. We noticed after the birth of Sophia, you went on to become the first back to back GMPP. Do you equate your luck to their births, and do you expect another run now that Isabella is here?
Answer: Luck? Shit, it's FEAR! Do you know how much diapers cost these days? They go through them like shit through a goose. And let's not forget to mention formula. Christ! $30 a canister? Not to mention baby clothes. Christ, Sophia was a winter baby, Isabella a summer baby. I mean, it's not like they can wear the same clothes. $900 worth of clothes to buy that they outgrow in a WEEK! Oy! And 2 WEDDINGS? Shit, I hope they elope.
All righty, then... next question.
MNP: You mentioned weddings. Greg Snider (aka The Butt Chin) has 2 sons just a bit older than your girls. Do you see any budding romances in the near future.
Answer: Just what I need... Grandchildren with 3 dimples (one on each cheek and one on their chin!)
MNP: Summarize your greatest poker moment of the last quarter.
Answer: Well, since there were not that many, I must say it was Piles. Greg dealt me Trip Aces with a five and a deuce. I immediately looked at my cards and said, "What are the fucking odds?" On the first pile Greg turned Ace-Eight. I almost shit a brick. I felt bad because I did not split the pot, but like I said, I have 2 girls to feed, not to mention a new humidor to buy.
MNP: Summarize your angriest moment of the last quarter.
Answer:Super Special Garage Game. Texas Hold Em. Holding pocket Kings, and I raise preflop. Tom stays in, because he never folds. The Flop comes up King-Five-Seven. I bet the max and Tom calls. The Turn shows a Nine, I bet the max again, and Tom calls. The River shows a Six. I start sweating. I bet max, Tom raises max. Silly nine-toed bastard stayed in on the preflop raise with an eight-deuce offsuit and caught the straight on the river.
MNP: : Is it true that you won a SAG (Screen Actors Guild) card in a poker game?
Answer: Yes, believe it or not. I did win a SAG card during a poker game, along with two Cuban cigars. However, the SAG card was lodged in the ass of the eventual loser, and I decided it was not worth it to retrieve it. The cigars were interesting, though. They tasted funny and had an odd scent to them.
MNP: What is the funniest thing you have ever seen at the poker table?
Answer: This happened pre-Jessica (the table): Greg, Russ, Jimbo, Tom, Doug and myself playing 2 summers ago. Jer has been working his culinary magic in the kitchen with the veggies from the garden. Russ mentions in passing these super hot little peppers they have, and Doug thinks he can be sneaky and sneak one into a plum tomato. He brings down a plate with the offending tomato, and we all roll our eyes. When Doug goes upstairs, someone (who shall remain anonymous) takes the pepper and breaks it open and rubs the oils onto the filter of Doug's last cigarette (these peppers are HOT!) Doug comes down after talking with Jeremy and asks if someone ate the tomato, and Greg said we threw it away, as Doug lights his cigarette... and his tongue starts to burn from the touch of the cigarette to his lips. Everytime he takes a drag the heat from the pepper heats his mouth and tongue more and more, until finally he stands up pissed off, and Russ starts cackling like a schoolgirl, and I did my gafaw laugh (to this day, Russ never lets me live down).
MNP: : How would you play this hand: You are playing Bing-Bang-Bong. You are dealt...
Answer: Stop right there. STOP RIGHT THERE! God, I hate that game. For the love of God, I wish the person who thought up that game gets ass raped by a lumberjack in a log flue and thrown in a wood chipper! For God's sake, why can't we play POKER at a POKER game?
MNP: You introduced the idea of the Babe of the Month to resident web guru Sniderdom. Are you pleased with the response that the new feature is getting on MondayNightPoker.com?
Answer: Are you kidding me? Just look at the girls! They're hot! I'm about as pleased as Doug is when he remembers what game he's dealing.
MNP: If you could summarize your feelings about playing poker in Boyd's, MD, what would they be?
Answer: Mmmm, this sandwich is delicious...
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