THE FRANK INTERVIEW (posted 1/13/00, file01.06)
No part of this interview may be reproduced in any way. Any illegal reproduction will result in being trapped in Rusty's van with a ten-point, 215 pound buck after someone kicks the beast [the deer] in the nuts.
MNP: If you were walking out of Rusty's house one morning as you and him were leaving and saw Rusty get into his van only to realize that because his van door was left open all night a ten-point, 215 pound buck decided to bed down in the van... and then it began thrashing about, you would:
a) laugh your ass off as Rusty was mauled by the beast,
b) quickly get a rifle and try to plug the beast, hoping not to hit Rusty, so you can hang it on your wall,
c) call Doug and ask him what to do, or
d) wonder to yourself, "wow, you don't see that everyday" as you go to your car and leave. Explain thoroughly.
Answer: Wow, Mr. Snidley. That is a tough question. I would have to say b). One rarely gets such fine opportunities to improve one's marksmanship. And if I miss and hit Rusty I can always hang him on the wall instead. You have to admit, he would make a fine addition to any collection.
MNP: If you could have one thing that you do not currently have in life, what would it be? Explain.
Answer: To hunt down the traitorous Col. Diego Garcia and his band of rebel fighters, and exterminate them once and for all. Curse you, Diego Garcia! Curse you!
MNP: Finish this sentence: Well, let's see. Rusty has 3 aces, Jimbo has 2 kings, I can throw anyone out. I'll throw myself out because...
Answer: ...Russ hypnotized me with his deep, lovely blue eyes. Bluer than the Aegean Sea at sunrise. Ah, to be at the Aegean at sunrise with Rusty. Perhaps a romantic picnic dinner, just the two of us, and Greg could be there too capering nimbly to the lascivious pleasings of a lute...
MNP: If you could say anything to all the poker regulars, what would it be?
Answer: Look, I just want everyone to know that the pedophile charges against me were dropped last week. Also, on a brighter note, the doctor says the inflammation and itching in my penis should go away in a day or two.
MNP: If you could say anything to one individual of the poker regulars, who and what would it be?
Answer: To Doug: Insanus omnis furere credit ceteros. Quousque tandem abutere patientia nostra?
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